Insert Spam Here
by Ksemanr
Summary: Random
1. Chapter 1

Written by Ksemanr

Characters copyright of their respective owners.

**Insert Spam Here**

**System Of A Down Arc**

**Chapter 1**

One day Ksemanr was walking down a long and lonesome road when all of a sudden a giant lobster came out of the ground. The lobster had rotten ham stapled to its face. It turned to Ksemanr and said "My foot is green!" and this statement caused the lobster to explode and implode at the same time while going up, down, and around the crapper while having two heart attacks, six seizures, and a nosebleed all at the same time.

Ksemanr then saw Jonathan37373737 and CTSucks 007 and the three of them proceeded to travel to West Kjfsyrfidnfaooooookiey Land for no apparent reason. The reason they went there that was not apparent for the obvious reason that I typed it wasn't apparent was that System of a Down was having a concert there and they wanted to go dance naked to their music. Plus there was Dr Pepper there in mass quantities.

So the trio of heroes started their journey to West Kjfsyrfidnfaooooookiey Land, but to get there they had to travel the great lengths of the Great Long Deserty Type Place Jipppaloogoofityityitymilililililililililakian. And they were lacking butter, the fastest form of transportation known to man, fish, snakes on planes, and some types of monkeys. The Great Long Deserty Type Place Jipppaloogoofityityitymilililililililililakian was a dangerous place due to the great number of door to door salesmen located there.

As they crossed the desert a large building was in their path and a goat named goaT was at the top of the building. He was wearing a blindfold and held a giant house key. goaT jumped off the building and landed in front of Ksemanr. Then a short Mexican named José walked up to CT and a floating talking post-it note flew out of goaT's nose and flew up to Jonathan37373737. The post-it note read "Note To Self: I miss you terribly" on it. They had come to stop the three from reaching their destination.

Boss Battle  
goaT, José, and Post-It

Jonathan swung at the post-it note but Post-It dodged by moving up in the air by 0.4689845615 cm. Post-It made a large claymore manifest in the air in front of it and swung it at Jonathan. It cut Jonathan in half some how creating two Jonathan37373737's. One Jonathan distracted the piece of paper by trying to attack it and avoiding the swings it made with the giant sword. The other Jonathan snuck up behind Post-It while this was happening and ate it. The two Jonathan's then fused back together into one Jonathan.

CTSucks 007 and José faced off. José started throwing hot chili peppers and bean burritos at CTSucks 007. CT was hit and was knocked down. José pulled out a giant beaner flag and was heading toward CT with it. All of a sudden it started storming so CT used his power to make the lightning hit the flag and set it on fire. The lighting also hit José's sombrero and set it on fire. The Mexican started running around in little circles yelling "Aaaah! My hat it's on fire!" in a Carlos Mencia like voice. "You know you could just take the hat off right?" CT asked José. He took his sombrero off but continued to run in little circles, now around the hat. CT said "Why are you still running?" then José stopped to think about this and CT took the opportunity to give José a hard kick to the face. This angered the little Mexican and he went insane and started attacking CT like crazy. CT was about to lose when he thought of something. "Hey José I'll give you two American dollars if you let me win." José replied with a yes and took the money and ran off.

Meanwhile, Ksemanr had to fight goaT. Ksemanr pulled a plot hole out of nowhere and used it to take both him and goaT to Kentucky. They were now standing in a KFC restaurant. goaT was at the counter taking orders and Ksemanr walked up to him.

Ksemanr: I'd like to speak with the colonel please.

goaT: He dead.

Ksemanr: The colonel. Is he here today? I'd like to speak with him.

goaT: I said he dead

Ksemanr: The Colonel. Mr. Sanders. Is Mr. Sanders working today?

goaT: I say to you he dead

Ksemanr: You're telling me I flew all the way to Kentucky to get some of your fried chicken and the colonel ain't even working today?

goaT's head then exploded and imploded at the same time from the pure stupidity being released from Ksemanr's mouth. Ksemanr won the battle and was now back in the dessert with Jonathan37373737 and CTSucks 007.

Jonathan37373737: Hey you got that whole scene in th KFC restaurant from Family G...(gets pushed into the lava by Espio)

Ksemanr: That was an easy and non entertaining battle.

CT: Indeed.

Jonathan: Look over there! (points in the opposite direction that they were meant to look but Ksemanr and CT were smart enough to look the other way)

They could see a man in a suit and carrying a briefcase walking towards them.

**To be continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

Written by Jonathan37373737

Characters copyright of their respective owners.

**Chapter 2**

Jonathan37373737: refers to the man walking towards them Whoa! She's hot.

CT: (raises his eyebrow)

Ksemanr: (looks at Jon and raises his eyebrow)

Jonathan37373737: Okay…I'm not like that, seriously.

As the man approached them, he gave them a nod as a courtesy and greeted the three children.

Jonathan37373737: "Children?!" Can't you see our diapers?! We're adults, you four-faced farmer who freaks out in front of fairies and digests frozen hardware during a Code Red after you fractured your skull in the 8th grade—with Samuel L. Jackson, inside my medicine. Who paid you to prophesy poetry in such a prophetic manner?

Narrator: Your wife.

Ksemanr and CT: Ooooooh!

Jonathan37373737: Your _ex_-wife.

Ksemanr and CT: Ooooooooooh!

Narrator: _Her_ ex-wife.

Ksemanr and CT: …Huh?

Jonathan37373737: What?!

Narrator: Oops.

Ksemanr: (speaks to the narrator) Aw man. We could have had an ongoing dispute between you and Jon, but…you–

José: (somehow manifests into this scene and speaks to Narrator) You SUCK foo'!

Man with Briefcase: (ignores everything that just happened) Greetings to all of you. I am Cademon Hartley.

Jonathan37373737: Everybody cares. (sarcasm)

José: Jonathan, _shut up_ already so we can get on with this story.

Jonathan37373737: "_We_"?! Who are "_we_"? Are you referring to the Nintendo Wii, or the Jews? 'Cause both of them have an unusual tendency to turn each other on…in your closet.

Ksemanr: Okay, Jon, I think that's enough for now. Let's get on with this story.

Jonathan37373737: Okay. (gets on with this story and writes more to the chapter) So what brings you here, sir?

Cademon: Your wife.

Ksemanr, CT, Narrator, and José: Ooooooooooooh!

Jonathan37373737: (plays along) What do you want with her?

Cademon: _Everything._

Ksemanr, CT, Narrator, and José: **Whoaaoo!**

Jonathan37373737: You can't afford her; she's more than what you have to offer.

Cademon: Can she do the works?

Jonathan37373737: She can do the works and _more_.

Cademon: So how much is that?

Jonathan37373737: More than you can handle.

CT: I have a question.

Ksemanr, Jonathan, Narrator, Cademon, and José: What is it?

CT: (speaks to Jonathan) Are you married to your wife?

Jonathan37373737: Well uh…(giggles like a school girl) (exclaims because of the way he sounded) Hey! I eh..well…I _was_ before I divorced her for everybody in the Jedi Council.

Cademon: So which do you prefer: your wife or everybody in the Jedi Council?

Jonathan37373737: Everybody in the Jedi Council, of course.

Ksemanr: So Jonathan, if I were to be elected to the Jedi Council tonight, would you prefer me?

Jonathan37373737: Sure I would.

Ksemanr, Jonathan, Narrator, Cademon, and José:

Jonathan37373737: No, not like _that_. And Ksemanr, why "tonight"?

Ksemanr: Because that's when all the clubs are open.

Jonathan37373737: OH yeah!

Cademon: But anyway, getting back to my role in this story, I am here for you all to use as a resource.

Jonathan37373737: You mean a resource for pleasure?

CT and José: Jonathan!

Jonathan37373737: Yes? (speaks to José) Hey, you're not supposed to be in this scene. (gives José a scholarship to some random university where he could get an education)

José: (takes the scholarship and leaves)

Cademon: (ahem) I am here to provide help for the three of you. I know that you all are on a journey to West Kjfsyrfidnfaooooookiey Land, and I will give you all assistance sometimes throughout this long and toilsome trail.

CT: "Long and toilsome"?

Cademon: Yes indeed. You all are on the brink of experiencing a great trial–an ordeal that can be completed by only one who has knowledge and insight on the situation at hand, and with special capabilities in combat, like an accomplished warrior.

CT: So…how are you going to help us?

Cademon: I will allow you three to borrow my map–a map that reveals an ancient route to the destination that you all are seeking.

The tall, slender gentlemen kneeled and sat his briefcase down on the warm and sandy ground of the desert.

Jonathan37373737: Hey! Maybe we'll get dessert.

Ksemanr: Hey! You got some of that from one of the episodes of the Three Stooges.

Jonathan37373737: Hey! You got some of that line from _me_ when–

Cademon: Hey! Both of you need to **shut up** and listen to me.

CT: (struggles not to laugh and giggles silently)

Ksemanr: (turns and looks at his friend) Go ahead, CT, we know that you're holding back.

Jonathan37373737: Yeah, go ahead CT, we know that you have children on the way. So how much longer do you have to go through labor?

CT: …

Cademon pressed a square-shaped button on his briefcase to unlock it, and then he opened it, revealing a piece of paper that was folded into the shape of a toilet paper roll. While it was folded, the paper was about a foot long in width. The man grabbed the map and held it out in front of him towards the three companions.

Jonathan37373737: We don't wanna see your lollypop.

Cademon: Cool it! Now that's enough out of you, young man. No more of this mindless, unnecessary chatter of foolishness! It's ignorant, like YOU.

Jonathan37373737: …[What in the world does that mean?

Cademon: According to one of the definitions on the word _ignorant_ means "lacking education or knowledge." And _you_ lack _both_. You should have given that scholarship to your_self_, not that José character.

Jonathan37373737: (makes a reference to _Conquest of the Letters)_ I am not going to be the character who says, "How did he know what I was thinking?"

Cademon: (answers the question) Your wife. She told me this last night when we were making plans…_long_-term plans.

Ksemanr and CT: OOOH!!!

Jonathan37373737: Alright, alright; now just hand over the map already. (hastily lunges forward to snatch the map right out of Cademon's grasp)

The man jerked his arm back just in time to prevent the weird guy from taking the piece of paper. Jonathan stumbled over a few rocks after reaching for the map and was now toppling over. He landed face down, just as planned.

Jonathan37373737: (lying on the ground) (spits out sand that had gotten into his mouth) (looks up at Cademon) Hey! What's the big idea?! (quickly gets up and brushes the sand off of his clothing; that is, if he's even _wearing_ clothes on this particular fan-fic) Hey! I always wear clothes on each of my fan-fics and on any configuration of writing that I appear on.

Ksemanr: I don't know, Jon; there was that one fan-fic where you were–

Jonathan37373737: (purposely interrupts Ksemanr) Ksemanr? What are you talking about?

Ksemanr: (finishes his statement) …portraying yourself as a model.

Jonathan37373737: (feels embarrassed) What are you saying? That fan-fic was canned, Ksemanr. Mokat gave me the keys and–

Cademon: Silence, you stripper!

CT: (gasp)

Cademon: Now listen up, you three. The heart of an individual must be tested to see whether or not there is truth in his or her desire. If you truly have a longing for the arrival that comes at the end of this arduous challenge, you must prove yourself.

Ksemanr, Jonathan, and CT: …

Cademon: You must prove to me, yourself, and each other that you all are willing to stand firm in the midst of all the coming trials that you will face.

CT: And how are we supposed to do that?

Cademon: By engaging into a confrontation with your new ally.

Boss Battle  
The Galaxy's Most Wanted Cybercriminal (a.k.a. GMWC or Cademon Hartley)

Jonathan37373737: Yeah right. We're not teaming up with a cybercriminal.

Cademon: Only a vulnerable adversary uses words to camouflage his weakness or to stall for time.

Jonathan37373737: I'm not stalling for _nobody's_ time; my wife is at home asleep, away from _you_.

CT: Jonathan, all three of us have to work together to defeat Mr. Hartley.

Jonathan37373737: (turns and speaks to Ksemanr and refers to CT) Oh-no. Now the kid is trying to be polite. Cademon is a bad influence.

Ksemanr: What do you expect? He's a cybercriminal. Didn't you read what you wrote when you wrote what you wrote under "Boss Battles"?

Jonathan37373737: Ksemanr, I am always aware of what I write when I write what I write and type what I type.

Ksemanr: Ok.

Jonathan37373737: Hey! You got that from–

Ignoring Jonathan, the cybercriminal levitated a few feet from the ground and hovered in the opposite direction of the three comrades.

CT: (speaks to Ksemanr and Jonathan) Well, I guess that means we have to follow him.

Jonathan3737373737: Amen.

Ksemanr: Glory hallelujah.

Jonathan, Ksemanr, and CT darted forward with a burst of speed, leaving behind a trail of dust and footprints.

The GMWC began to rotate in a circular orientation, performing 360 degree spins while waving his arms and hands back and forth, up and down, making several different gestures.

Jonathan37373737: He's trying to give us the sign language.

Ksemanr: Just keep moving.

CT: Yeah, we'll catch him.

Cademon continued this…"choreography" as a stampede of multi-colored trojan horses were configured in front of him and directed towards CT, Ksemanr, and Jonathan.

Jonathan37373737: Now he's directing the orchestra. We've got to think of something.

Ksemanr: Be evasive.

CT: And counterattack if you get the chance.

Jonathan37373737: Good idea, guys, even though that was more than one idea. I sure do wish that _I_ was dumb; then I could come up with solutions like you two.

CT: …Okay, Jon.

Jonathan37373737: Look, I didn't mean it that way; dumb is smart and smart is dumb. You've got to believe me, folks.

Ksemanr and CT: We believe you. (sarcasm)

Jonathan37373737: D'oh!

Ksemanr: Guys, split up so we won't have the entire herd coming at all of us at the same time.

Ksemanr was in the center, and Jonathan and CT continued to run forward, but in a diagonal path. Ksemanr somersaulted over one of the enraged horses and rotated in midair so that his back would be facing the stampede when he landed. While he had been in the air, he saw another trojan that was not to far off, so he knew to execute another protective maneuver in order to keep himself from being trampled on. When his feet hit the ground, he immediately did a backward handspring while spinning on one hand so that he could face the herd of wild trojans. He used his free hand to hurl a streak of fire towards another horse who was heading towards CT. So now Ksemanr was facing the stampede again, but he was still upside down, balancing on one hand. He avoided one more horse trojan by turning right-side up while moving to the side a split second before the vicious animal had rushed passed him.

Jonathan charged directly towards a trojan who did the same, charging straight towards Jonathan. To the horse's dismay, its nose met Jonathan's fist; and the animal stopped in its tracks. Before the animal could return the favor, Jonathan spoke up and said, "Hey, did I tell you that I didn't use any deodorant this morning?" Jonathan told all of the readers of this fan-fic to look the opposite way before raising his shirt up, releasing a horrible aroma. The scent was so terrible, that the horse pleaded for God's help when it cried out and said, "Lord, have mercy!" And then it died, right on the spot, and nobody cared. (By the way, I am not in any way trying to disrespect God or diss Christianity. Remember, the horse _pleaded_; it did not swear or use God's name in vain, it desperately wanted God's help, that's all.)

CT leaped forward and tackled a trojan horse. Then he delivered a jab to the horse's abdomen and a head butt to the tojan's face. The boy grabbed the horse and used his mind to give him enough power and strength to lift the horse and set it on the ground to where it was standing again. CT sprung high into the air and did a double front flip and skillfully landed on the trojan's back. He closed his eyes to help himself concentrate, making a spur appear at the heel of both of his shoes. "Giddy up!" CT said while striking the horse with his spurs, and the horse sprinted forward, hooves and legs a blur.

Ksemanr saw what happened and made a comment about it.

Ksemanr: CT, this isn't the Wild Wild West.

CT: It is _now_. Yaaa_hooooooooooo_! (speaks to the trojan) Giddy up!

Jonathan37373737: You guys seriously need to straighten out your phrases. This is not the Wild Wild West, it's the World Wide Web.

CT: Same thing.

Ksemanr: Ooooooooh!

Jonathan37373737: …

CT: C'mon, guys, we're almost there.

CT placed his hands on the trojan's neck and led the way, dodging oncoming trojans, steering his horse left to right and right to left. He was closing in on the cybercriminal when he saw the man raise both hands, ready to configure another virus formation to send forth, but CT wouldn't allow it. The young boy leaped off of the horse and elbowed Cademon in the forehead while aloft in the air. CT managed to land on his feet a few moments before Jonathan and Ksemanr arrived.

Ksemanr made eye contact with his new ally, opponent, or whatever and said…

Ksemanr: This is going to end right now.

Jonathan37373737: Yeah, now it's time to par-_tay_!

Cademon Hartley responded in a calm and serene tone of voice.

Cademon: Do not be overconfident when confronting your opponent. Instead, you must–

Jonathan37373737: Yeah, yeah, sure. Now shut up and bring it on already!

Cademon: Patience. You lack patience, my friend.

Jonathan37373737: Look, Mr., we're not friends…_yet_, and if it wasn't for the fact that everything posted in this forum has to be rated G or PG, I would tell you to shut the something up, replacing the "something" with something (a different word).

Cademon: …I understand.

Jonathan37373737: You _better_ understand, or I'll _make_ you understand with terminal velocity–my hands.

Ksemanr: Jon, what's bothering you?

Jonathan37373737: His _face_!

CT: Jonathan, don't say such things; you'll hurt his feelings.

Jonathan37373737: Oh, oops. (apologizes to Cademon) Sorry, bro'.

Cademon: (returns the apology with a slow and elegant nod) I accept your apology with gratitude and humility.

Jonathan37373737: Yeah, I did humiliate you for a second there, didn't I?

CT: Can we just get on with this?

Jonathan37373737: Oh yeah, that's right. (speaks to Cademon) On with the show.

Cademon: Very well, then.

Jonathan37373737: Shut up!

The battle continued as the widely known cybercriminal unzipped his pants, launching frisbees of spyware out of the opening.

Cademon: Get a load of _that_.

The trio evaded the crimeware disks while moving towards their adversary who was also their friend…I guess.

While running, CT slightly leaned to one side to elude an oncoming frisbee; Jonathan grabbed one of the disks and went home to install the spyware on his computer, and then he came back. With skill, precision, and accuracy, Ksemanr managed to catch one of the frisbees that were headed his way. He countered the GMWC by casting the crimeware device at him. The environment became hazy, and it seemed as though time itself had decreased in the rate of speed as the notorious computer hacker slanted backward, performing an evasive Matrix maneuver. Seconds later, the world was back to normal.

Jonathan37373737: Aw _man_. Now he's using cheat codes. Ksemanr, he's using cheat codes!

Ksemanr: Shut up.

Jonathan37373737: (gasp)…What?!

Ksemanr: (silly face) Just kidding.

CT: (refers to Ksemanr's attack at Cademon) Nice try, Kez.

Ksemanr: Thanks, but…

Jonathan37373737: But _nothing_. This is for my "wife"! (hastily charges forward at Cademon)

CT: What? Your wife or your "wife"?

Jonathan37373737: (stops running and turns around to face CT) I used quotation marks because it's been used and messed with.

Ksemanr and CT: Ooooooooooooh!

Ksemanr: Hey, CT, now he refers to his "wife" by using the word _it_.

CT: What a coincidence. I watched the movie last night.

Jonathan37373737: With Mary Jane.

Spider-Man: (manifests) Hey!

Jonathan37373737: Go back to your spider-web, toots.

Spider-Man: …(leaves)

Jonathan37373737: …

Ksemanr: …

CT: …

Jonathan, Ksemanr, and CT: …

In unison, the three friends made a mad dash in the direction of the cybercriminal, and they delivered swift blows and attacks to their victim. With ease, Cademon blocked, eluded, and countered all three of them: First, Jonathan took one of the _3_'s out of his username and attempted to remodel Cademon's face. The man caught the number just in the nick of time and forcefully jerked it out of Jonathan's grasp. He now used it to avert an assault from Ksemanr who had done a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, but this move was ineffective when the Galaxy's Most Wanted Cybercriminal parried the onset. Now Cademon was going to use the _3_ to ward off CT. The boy ducked when the hacker swung at him. CT counterattacked by sending forth a powerful kick to the legs of his opponent who cleverly avoided this move when he did a half-flip. So instead of turning right-side up, the GMWC remained upside down as he performed a Chinese split kick. Ksemanr's and Jonathan's face were met with "terminal velocity"–each of them were struck by the heel of one of Cademon's dress shoes. They stumbled back from the impact of such a powerful counterstrike.

Jonathan placed one hand over his mouth, and then he looked at the palm of his hand, only to find blood.

Jonathan37373737: Hey, does anyone want any ketchup? It's free. You won't even have to go to the grocery store this time; I promise. (gets violently kicked in the head by Cademon) Cool! But shouldn't I be unconscious right now?

Narrator: Yes, Jonathan! You _are_ unconscious.

Jonathan37373737: Okay, but which _ok_ should I use: _okay_ or _ok_?

Everybody (except Jonathan): It doesn't matter.

Jonathan37373737: Ok. (falls over unconscious) Hey look, everybody, I'm unconscious.

Cademon: And nobody cares.

Spider-Man and José: OOOOH!!! OWNED!!1!111

Ksemanr and CT: …

The weird guy had been knocked out severely, although he tried to pretend otherwise. So now it was up to Ksemanr and CT to "amp it up."

Jonathan37: (emerges from a transparent crapper) Hey! You got that from the Action Man video gam–(disappears for I don't know reasons)

Ksemanr extended one arm out to the side, and a huge, pitch black sword appeared in his grasp. The blade of the weapon was slightly curved and twisted; and in the center of the blade, there were two holes whose shape was similar to the configuration of a triangle. Despite the darkness of the sword's color, the blade glistened and reflected the rays from the sun for reasons that are only apparent to Ksemanr himself.

CT gave his friend a look that implied, "Are you really going to use that?" Ksemanr nodded at CT in response to the facial expression. He saw what happened to Jonathan and was now about to "take matters into his own hands."

Without giving the two comrades an opportunity to strike, Cademon unbuttoned the jacket of his suit in order to release a group of brown boxes that contained junk mail and spam.

At first, CT ran forward and was planning to dodge the oncoming projectiles, but his fast pace came to a quick, abrupt stop when he was overtaken by a thrill of amazement. He stood his ground as he stared at Ksemanr who was now wielding his sword in an exhilarating flourish; it was literally impossible to keep up with the movement of his blade. Ksemanr was deflecting, blocking, and batting away the junk mail, spam, and boxes. He twisted and twirled his weapon in one hand while swinging it in a diagonal pattern from left to right, truncating and slicing boxes in half. But the action did not stop here; Ksemanr vaulted high above the ground and engaged himself in midair combat. With speed and agility, he rotated and spun on his vertical axis while swinging his sword behind his back and grabbing it with his free hand as he delivered swift strikes to the projectiles.

To Cademon's shocking surprise, Ksemanr landed directly in front of him and sent an emphatic kick to his chin. Ksemanr wasn't fazed when his enemy did not stumble back. He continued to stay on the offensive, swinging his weapon in all possible directions with exceptional skill and quickness. Cademon quickly sidestepped away from the first assault, and then he moved back to the opposite side by doing a cartwheel without using his hands for support (his arms were at his side), avoiding another onset. He eluded the next attack when he sprung up high and tilted over while rapidly spinning sideways, just as Ksemanr had done earlier. The GMWC landed in a kneeling position, only to find the edge of Ksemanr's blade pointing directly at his neck. For a moment, the two warriors just stared at each other; then the cybercriminal broke the silence.

Cademon: You have done well, young one.

Ksemanr did not respond. He wanted to make sure that Cademon would not play a trick on him, so he kept his sword in place.

_What is Ksemanr doing?_ CT thought to himself. _Has he gone mad?_

Cademon: The three of you have proven yourselves worthy to take part in this journey.

After hearing these words, Ksemanr decided that it was okay to let go of his weapon, and that is exactly what he did: seconds later, his sword was nowhere in sight, and he opened his fist so that he could help Cademon to get off of the ground. Cademon grabbed his hand, stood up, and brushed the dirt and sand off of his suit.

Ksemanr: For a second there, I thought you were stripping.

Cademon: Only some of my combat moves require me to take off my clothing; however, none of them may actually be done in this fan-fic because of the G/PG policy. (smiles) For a second there, I thought that you had went insane, wielding your sword like that. I was beginning to wonder if you were actually going to drive your blade through me.

Jonathan37373737: (somehow reaches a state of consciousness) Ksemanr only uses murder as a last resort. (gets up off of the ground)

Ksemanr: ...Whatever.

CT: (runs over to Ksemanr) Ksemanr, you were awesome! Where did you learn how to handle a sword like that? Who taught you?

Jonathan37373737: (speaks to Ksemanr) And don't say "your wife."

Ksemanr: _My_ wife? I was gonna say _your_ wife. She taught me a lot last night.

Cademon, Ksemanr, and CT: Oooooooooooooh!

Jonathan37373737: …

Cademon: Come now, and let us take the time to view this map that I have. (somehow pulls the map out of nowhere)

**To be continued. Stay tuned for more adventures with Ksemanr, Jonathan, and CT**.


	3. Chapter 3

Written by Ksemanr

Characters copyright of their respective owners.

**Chapter 3**

Cademon unrolled the map-a map. Our heroes were surprised at what they saw, except for Jonathan who thought it was quite pretty. The entire map was hand drawn; quite poorly I might add, in purple crayon. If you squinted your eyes it appeared as though the Great Long Deserty Type Place Jipppaloogoofityityitymilililililililililakian was in the shape of a fish.

Cademon: The ancient route to the destination that you all are seeking is right here.

Cademon pointed to the point on the map-a map that the ancient path was on.

Jonathan, Ksemanr, and CT: ktnxbye.

Jonathan, Ksemanr, and CT started to walk in the direction they were meant to walk, but found themselves falling off a cliff. But while they were falling they saw Jonathan37 floating above them playing "patty cake" with Barney and The Biolizard's sister's brother's cousin's uncle's mom, who happens to be related to Barney's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother's nephew's friend's aunt's brother's grandmother.

The sight of this made them forget that they were falling, and the fact that if they hit the ground it would hurt quite an awful lot. The next thing they noticed was that they didn't hit the ground, but rather they had missed the ground and were floating a few inches above it. They were flying. They flew around the desert for a while in the direction they were going when Jonathan said:

Jonathan: Hey! We can't fly.

The three of them fell to the ground. They landed in front of a giant cave. They heard a scream then a girl around the age of 17 with a black skirt, blood red belly shirt; knee high boots, and fish net leggings and fishnet sleeves ran out from the cave. Her hair was long and faded from silver to light grey to a blue-ish color.

Naya: Help me!!

A giant spider followed her out of the cave chasing her. It was about two stories tall and had an extra eyeball in its back.

CTSucks 007: Let's try to reason with it. walks up to the spider and the others follow

Jonathan37373737: Hey Mr. Spider, why art thou attacking this young woman who hath not done anything to thee?

Spider: How doust thou spakest thy language, thus? Lo, potray a chase I decline, fancied flesh doust adorn she.

Ksemanr and CTSucks 007: SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!!

Jonathan: Yeah we don't speak French like you.

Spider: _Your wife_ doesn't speak French.

Jonathan: My wife does too speak French! She speaks all languages at the same time!

Spider: I saw your wife last night going hits his thighs with that backs of his hands three times at the same time with Micheal Jackson's lawyer.

Jonathan: Like how you did with the Kool-Aid Man a few minutes from now when you leave the story?

Spider: You were supposed to put "BeGiN SPoiLeRS" before you said what you said for obvious reasons that are obvious because it ruins part of the story that happens shortly in the future.

Jonathan: Shut the something up and go hits both of his thighs with the backs of his hands three times at the same time with the Kool-Aid Man.

Spider: hits both of his thighs with the backs of his hands three times at the same time with the Kool-Aid Man and disappears from the story

CTSucks 007: But spiders don't have thighs. Or hands for that matter.

Ksemanr: Oh snap! We have a huge plot hole OMG it ruins the whole story! Pulls me right out of it!

Jonathan: This whole story is a plot hole.

Ksemanr: You weren't supposed to say what you just said Jonathan. It wasn't in the script.

Jonathan: This story has no script!

Ksemanr: So, it still wasn't in the script.

CTSucks 007: Guys, can you stop talking about the script? It makes this story seem unrealistic. Plus it's not in the script to talk about the script.

Ksemanr and Jonathan: This story is unrealistic!

Naya: Hey! You guys forget about me?

Everyone except for Naya: Yes.

Naya: ...

Lexaeus: comes out of nowhere (yelling at Naya) Hey!!! That's my line!!!!

CTSucks 007: You're not supposed to be in this fanfic Lexaeus.

Lexaeus: ...

**Boss Battle**

Lexaeus, the Silent Hero

The large nobody stomped the ground, causing a large rock to rise up from the ground. Lexaeus punched the rock, shattering it and revealing a large red and black tomahawk. The Silent Hero grabbed the tomahawk and held it in his right hand. The tomahawk had to have weighed a ton, but Lexaeus was easily handling it with one hand. Lexaeus ran at the four and swung his tomahawk down on the ground in front of them. When he struck the ground, the earth rose up in violent pillars in 4 directions after our 3 heroes and Naya.

CT spread his wings and quickly flew over the rocks coming towards him. Naya used the rocks and kicked off of them into the air and pulled out a pair of sickles connected by a chain while in mid air. Ksemanr jumped onto the rocks headed towards him and ran across the top of them towards Lexaeus. Jonathan saw the rocks rising from the ground towards him, but instead of dodging them, he ran head first into them. Jonathan disappeared into thin air right before the rock hit him. Lexaeus looked around trying to figure out where Jonathan was, when Naya came down at him. She wrapped the chain of the sickles around his blade, leaving him unable to swing it. Lexaeus lifted his left hand and a large rock flew up form the ground into the air. He brought his hand down, causing the rock to smash into both his weapon, and Naya's, with great force. Naya's sickles were left shattered, but Lexaeus' tomahawk remained unscratched.

The nobody was about to take a swing at Naya when he stopped and had a painful expression on his face. Naya looked behind Lexaeus to see who had saved her and she saw Jonathan standing there pulling Lexaeus' underwear up, giving him a wedgie. Lexaeus yelled out "...!!!" in pain. Jonathan was tying a rope through a hole in his underwear. At the other end of the rope in the air was CTSucks 007, attaching the rope to a random flagpole in the middle of the desert. Once CTSucks 007 had readied the rope, Ksemanr, who was now down below pulled it, lifting Lexaeus into the air by his tighty whiteys.

The Silent Hero was now enraged, as he swung his tomahawk at the pole, easily breaking it in half. As Lexaeus hit the ground, rocks flew into the air and started to rain down on his enemies. Ksemanr, CT, Jonathan, and Naya started to run from the on shower of boulders. Jonathan pulled out his handy-dandy notebook and used to deflect any rocks falling towards his direction. Ksemanr was firing fireballs at the rocks and CTSucks was shooting lightning bolts at them, the two of them shattering the boulders into dust.

Ksemanr: Hey CT, don't you need there to be lightning coming from somewhere for you to control it?

CTSucks 007: Yeah, that's why I paid him to make lightning for me.

CT pointed over to José, who was standing there with a weather machine spitting out miniature storm clouds releasing lightning.

José: Hola!!! He pay me five dollars to do this yob!!

Ksemanr:...that's...nice...

José: Tengo un gato in mis pantelones!!!

Ksemanr, Jonathan, CTSucks 007, and Naya: oO

Lexaeus:...

José: What? Doesn't everyone?

Cademon:comes out of the question mark in José's question No, not really. goes into your computer monitor

José: Oh ok. takes the cat out of his pants and goes back to doing his yob

The five combatants stood there staring for a few seconds, and then they decided to completely ignore the fact José just took a cat out of his pants and resumed battling. Lexaeus swung forth his weapon, sending spiked pillars of rock forwards at José's weather machine, destroying it.

José: Hey! How am I supposed to do my yob now?

Lexaeus:... gives José six dollars to go home

José: takes the money and goes home

CTSucks 007: Hey! I was using that!

CT started running towards the Silent Hero. Jonathan threw CTSucks his handy-dandy notebook. CT took the green crayon out from the spiral and opened the notebook. Lexaeus sent forth more pillars of rock at CTSucks 007. CT quickly drew a picture of a sword similar to that of Ivy's from Soul Caliber and one appeared in CT's hand. The sword shattered into the air and the shards formed into a form resembling a whip through the help of floatation controls located in the hilt of the sword. The flotation controls in the hilt were connected to CT's brain waves, giving him control over them with his thoughts. CT made the whip of shards break through the rocks, shattering them to just pebbles. CTSucks 007 threw the notebook to Naya. Naya caught the notebook and drew a new pair of sickles, and they appeared within her hands. She threw one sickle at Lexaeus, still holding the other so she could control the one she threw with the chain. The nobody tilted his head to the right, the sickle missing by mere inches. She grinned at Lexaeus, then pulled the sickle blade she threw back towards her. The blade caught of the hood of Lexaeus' cloak, pulling it forwards over his head. She then pulled her sickle downwards, causing the hood to go down over his face, obstructing his view. She then threw the notebook back to Jonathan.

Jonathan caught the green book in one hand then opened it up. He drew a pair of lightsabers on the page, which then appeared in his hands. Jonathan activated the lightsabers, the blades being green. Lexaeus, unable to see, swung his tomahawk madly into the air. Jonathan swung one of his lightsabers at the tomahawk, the heat of the laser melting through the blade. The half of Lexaeus' weapon that was severed dropped to the ground and disintegrated into darkness, then the other half followed. Jonathan was then behind Lexaeus, ready to use the sabers if need be. He then tossed the notebook to Ksemanr, who caught it in his hand and closed it. Ksemanr walked up to Lexaeus.

Ksemanr: singing ♪That's three clues you, know what that means? Time to sit in your thinking chair and think, think, think!♪

Jonathan37373737: Hey! You got that from.. get's pushed into the lava by Espio

A large, red chair came up from under Lexaeus. Lexaeus was now sitting in the large red chair. Ksemanr pulled out his sword and pointed it at Lexaeus.

CTSucks 007: We just pwn3d u. we 1337 u n00b

As it seemed they had the nobody defeated, Lexaeus let out a battle cry of "..." and a red and yellow aura surrounded him. The power emitting from him sent his enemies backwards onto the ground. A new tomahawk formed within his hand. Lexaeus prepared to attack when a cat fell on his face. It was the same cat that José had earlier taken out of his pants. They all looked up to see José above, riding on the back of Post-It.

José: That money you gave me was counterfeit!!!

Lexaeus' face swelled up, turning large and red. Lexaeus then fell over onto the ground, unconscious. The Silent Hero disintegrated into darkness and disappeared.

Naya: Musta been allergic to cats...

Ksemanr: Hey! Why don't you join us for no apparent reason!!!

Naya: Sure.

**Naya Vermillion has now joined your party! Press X when out of battle to dance randomly for no apparent reason!**

Omochao: flies up to them from nowhere Press the jump button to jump!

CTSucks 007: grabs Omochao from the air If you going to tell us something, at least make it useful.

Omochao: I'm sorry; I will eat all my vegetables.

CTSucks 007 threw the Omochao into the wall, and Omochao somehow blew up and was now red and smoking. The Omochao flew back into the air, smoke still rising up from it.

Omochao: I'm going to tell the principal on you! flies away

The four of them looked towards the cave, then looked at the map-a-map. The map then suddenly gained a face and jumped into the air and started to sing.

Map: ♪ I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map!!!♪

Ksemanr, Jonathan, CT, and Naya:

Map: To get to the System of a Down concert you must go through the Cave of Laaagleopilipityness, over the River of Negative Numbers, and past the Forest of Jonathan's Wife. Then you'll be at the concert! Say it with me! Cave, river, forest!!! Cave, river, forest! You've got it!! hops back into Ksemanr's pocket

The four teens looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders and walked into the cave. The cave was dark, but had strange writing and symbols on the walls that had a weird glow to them, lighting up the cave enough for them to see. As they walked, they hear a loud cry that sounded like someone was yelling "Laaaaaaagle!" Then all of a sudden Arnold Schwarzenegger jumped out from behind a rock.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Laaaaaagle!!!!!!11!!!eleven unzips his pants and Al Gore jumps out

Al Gore: Hey guys I'm Al Gore, and this is my partner Arnold Scxhwartzinegalwrajkrv. I believe that Manbearpig might be somewhere in this cave. He is a real threat! I'm cereal guys! He's half man, half bear, and half pig! Cereal!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: We should put Bush in for four more years!!!

Al Gore: Come on guys, follow me. This place looks like Manbearpig central!

Jonathan: What th' [implied?! You caught me off guard for a second, and then I realized you're just jealous because you were born prematurely, like Kayla's dolphin(s)...I--I mean furby, that's all.

Al Gore: …..How'd you know that?

Jonathan: Your wife told me all about it last night.

Al Gore: How do you know my wife?

Jonathan: I know her in more ways than you know.

Al Gore: I-I'm just going to look for Manbearpig now.

So Al Gore and Arnold Schwarzenegger continued on to look for Manbearpig. Ksemanr, Jonathan, Naya, and CT followed behind, but only cause they had to go that way anyways. As they walked, the giant lobster from chapter 1 came out of the ground and ate Arnold Schwarzenegger and Al Gore. A caveman then walked up to the lobster and hit it with a club killing it, and dragged it away. Then a caveman in a business suit from the Geico commercials walked onto the scene.

Geico Caveman: shakes head He's giving us cavemen a bad name. walks away

The four heroes decided to just keep going, but as they traveled the Kool-Aid Man broke through one of the walls of the cave, debris falling into his open, dumb head.

Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah!!!!

He poured punch out of his debris filled head and gave it to random children that were in the cave.

Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah!!!!

Dane Cook: Oh no!!!! You fix that wall before my dad gets home from work! He's gonna beat me with a belt, he's not going to believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came in here! You stupid idiot! Yeah coming through the wall is real freaking cool! Using the front door is cool!!!!! Don't touch me you drink. backs away Don't touch me you giant beverage. You are sweating or condensating, I will kick you in your tights and you will go down, your very top heavy. You glass [edited!

Kool-Aid: Oh yeah!!!!

Dane Cook Oh no!!!

Kool-Aid: Oh yeah!

Dane Cook: Oh no. Naughty, naughty Kool-Aid.

Kool-Aid: Oh yeah?

Dane Cook: Oh no.

Kool-Aid: Oh yeah!

Dane Cook: No.

Dane Cook kicked the Kool-Aid Man in his tights, and Kool-Aid Man went down because he was very top heavy. Red fruit punch spilled all over the cave floor. Dane Cook kicked the Kool-Aid Man's empty body away then left. A portal of darkness opened up in front of Ksemanr, Jonathan, CTSucks 007, and Naya. A young man with spiked blonde hair and a black cloak walked out of it.

Demyx: Ladegfgeargiharhdv!!!!

Everyone except Demyx: What?

Demyx: Ladegfgeargiharhdv!!!!!!!!!

CTSucks: Excuse me?

Demyx sighs and pulls out a card and reads it "If the subjects fail to respond, use aggression to liberate their true disposition." Man, did they ever pick the wrong guy for this one.

Ksemanr: But we did respond when we said "What?" and when CTSucks said what he said when he said "Excuse me?"

Demyx: Oh, ok then. Then aggression is not needed.

Naya: Hey!! You're my pimp!!!!

Demyx: looks over (nervously) Hey Naya.. (Thinking) _Uh oh, she knows I spent all the rent on pixie sticks, I better get outta here!_ starts to run away

Naya: Hey! Where do you think you're going!?

Demyx ran away, with Naya chasing after him. The others followed after her. Demyx ran across a cliff, with Naya close behind him. Demyx took his only exit, and jumped down. Nay stopped at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the darkness below. Ksemanr ran in and bumped into Naya, almost knocking her off the edge. CTSucks 007 ran in also and did the same as Ksemanr, them barely still on the ledge. Jonathan ran in and hit CT, but they managed to stay on the cliff.

Jonathan: Ooopps sorry. I didn't mean to do that. pushes the others off the ledge then jumps down after them

When the four of them landed, the first thing they noticed was it was an awfully short fall, only a couple of inches. By now, Demyx had to be far ahead of them. They started to start after him, when they started to fall again, landing on a large slide and were sliding down at a very fast pace. Ksemanr grabbed a flat rock he saw and jumped onto it, using it like surfboard down the rocky slide, and CTSucks and Naya did the same. Jonathan pulled Jonathan out of his pocket and jumped onto Jonathan's back, using Jonathan as a surfboard like the others did with their rocks. Jonathan's face was grinding along the rock slide as Jonathan rode on his back. They gained momentum until they had caught up with Demyx, who was surfing on his sitar. Demyx pulled out his pimp cane from no where. The body of the cane was clear so you could see through it, and was filled with water. There was a couple of rare regular fish swimming inside the water that filled the body of the cane. On the bottom of the cane was a silver Organization XIII symbol. The handle of the cane was a metallic purple color and was shaped like an eighth note. The part of the handle that was held onto was the flag of the eighth note.

Demyx was right in front of them, and he hit a rock on the ceiling with his cane knocking it down, hoping it would stop his pursuers. Instead, the rock broke into pieces and rolled down after him. Demyx started using his pimp cane like a paddle to make his sitar go faster. Demyx maneuvered his sitar over to the side, allowing the rocks to go past him. All of a sudden they heard some one calling out "I'm Mike Jones!" They all turned around to see who it was but no one was there. The person yelled "I'm Mike Jones!" again.

Jonathan: Who is that?

: I'm Mike Jones!!

CTSucks 007: I have no clue.

: I'm Mike Jones!

Naya: That could be anyone!

: I'm Mike Jones!

A bologna sandwich then flew up from behind them and said "I'm Mike Jones!!!" The bologna sandwich pulled out a sword made of pure Yourwifeium.

Mr. Dunn: comes out of nowhere I didn't think that was funny. goes into nowhere

The bologna sandwich swung its sword at Demyx, who blocked it with his pimp cane. The sandwich who claimed to be Mike Jones kept attacking Demyx non stop, and Demyx continued to block its attacks.

Bologna Sandwich: I'm Mike Jones!!!!

Demyx: Ok I get it your Mike Jones.

Bologna Sandwich: I'm a mushroom darn it!!

Up ahead the slide ended into a drop. The bologna sandwich and Demyx continued to battle until they both fell down the drop. Ksemanr, Jonathan, CTSucks 007, and Naya fell off after them. The four of them landed outside the cave in a random field of flowers. Marluxia, a man of questionable gender, with long pink hair and the ability to control flowers ran over to them. She was carrying a large pink scythe with him.

Marluxia: Hey guys! I just got done planting these flowers! Aren't they pretty?

Ksemanr: Who are you? The Grim Reaper's gay cousin?

Marluxia: Hey! Quit being mean like that guys. I'm here to help you get to the River of Negative Numbers.

CTSucks 007: How can we know we can trust you?

Jonathan: Yeah! My mother always told me not to trust people of questionable gender.

Marluxia: points her scythe at Spiderman's throat You will trust me or Spidey here gets it.

Spiderman: Whoa dude! What'd I ever do to you?

Ksemanr: Go ahead kill him. He isn't one of ours.

Spiderman: What? Kill me?!?!?!

Marluxia: Wait, if he isn't one of my men, and he isn't one of your men, then who's side is he on?

The six of them turned around to see Stan Lee standing behind them.

Stan Lee: He's one of _mine_. grabs Spiderman by the arm and drags him away to the nearest daycare center for super heroes

Ksemanr, CTSucks 007, Jonathan, Naya, and Marluxia: …

Lexaeus: ….

Your Wife: …

Ksemanr: Ooooookkkkk…… anyways, what must we do to get to the River of Negative Numbers?

Marluxia: To open the path in which you must go you must pick 100,000 flowers from this garden. Good luck.

Marluxia skipped away, dancing with his scythe singing "I feel pretty". Our heroes stood ready for the challenge.

**To be continued…..**


	4. Chapter 4

Written by Jonathan37373737

Characters copyright of their respective owners.

**Chapter 2**

Jonathan37373737: refers to the man walking towards them Whoa! She's "hot."

CT:

Ksemanr: looks at Jon

Jonathan37373737: ...

Ksemanr: Hmmm. Something doesn't seem right about this. And where is Naya?

Jonathan37373737: I don't know. But like you said, I get the feeling that something isn't right. ...Oh! This is the wrong chapter. Sorry, everyone. No wonder it says, "Chapter 2," and not "Chapter 5" like it's supposed to be. Now I'll have to edit this message, even though it was part of the storyline for this to happen.

**Chapter 4**

The supermarket was congested. It was difficult to find a buggy to use. There were several customers in every department. Majority of the clerks were busy helping a customer, whether it was directing someone to a particular aisle, helping a person find a product, or working behind a cash register.

This is where we find Cademon Hartley. He had come to Wal-Mart with one thing in mind: purchase this fan fiction on DVD. He spotted an employee a few steps from where he was standing, so he approached this person. But the sales clerk spoke to him before he could utter a word.

Sephiroth: Good afternoon, sir. How is your shopping coming along?

Cademon: Well, to be honest, it's a little too crowded in here for my taste. There must be a special sale going on for so many people to be in here like this.

Sephiroth: Yes, there is. From Greenland, Australia, from the outskirts of Brazil, and other countries, people have come from afar--to waste 600 dollars on that worthless PS3. Today, we're having a discount sale, so now the Playstation 3 is 95 dollars more, plus tax, giving you a $700.00 deal. Also, I made up everything I just said. gets booed by PS3 fans

Cademon: ...Sir, do you all carry Ksemanr and CT's fan fiction on DVD?

Sephiroth: No, it will not be available until Ksemanr and CT finish writing this story.

Cademon: Oh, okay.

Sephiroth: Would you like to buy the official strategy guide instead? We have it for $12,000,000.00?

Cademon: No, but thank you. I don't need a strategy guide to this fan-fic. I could easily hack this world and take your wife, all in one swift move.

Sephiroth: I bet you could.

Cademon: I bet I _bet_ I could.

Sephiroth: I bet you bet I _bet _you could.

Cadmon: I bet I bet that you bet I bet that I _bet_ I could

Sephiroth: No.

Cademon: Yes.

Sephiroth: I bet you bet what I bet when you bet what you bet what I bet that you _bet_ I could. ...Oops.

Cademon: Excuse me, but you messed up.

Sephiroth: I know. At the end it was supposed to be "you could," not "I could."

As of the previous chapter, our heroes found themselves in an enormous garden, blanketed with various flowers--flowers that they must collect in order to unlock the path to the River of Negative Numbers.

Naya: This is impossible. How does he--

Jonathan: Or she--

Naya: Expect us to do this?

Jonathan[Wow. She wasn't even fazed by my interruption.

CT: I have no clue. Perhaps she was out of his mind.

Ksemanr: Possibly. But we won't collect any flowers unless we start collecting them.

Jonathan: I like the way you think, Ksemanr. And if my calculations are right, pulls out a calculator and calculates the following calculation on his calculator that he used for calculating calculations that he calculated on his calculator: 100,000 ÷ 4 each of us should grab 25,000 flowers. Splitting the responsibility will make the burden significantly lighter to carry. sells his calculator to you rips you off by taking your money without your consent and giving your money back to you by selling it to you, ripping you off even more

CT: I agree, except for the "significantly lighter" part. We'll still have a bunch of flowers to get.

Jonathan: I like the way you think, CT. Alright, I guess the three of us should get started now.

Naya: Very funny, Jon. Trying to leave me out? If so, then you better recalculate.

Jonathan: To answer your question before your previous sentence, no. I was just implying that CT, Ksemanr, and I are the main characters in this story, that's all.

José: comes from Wal-Mart Ooooooh!

Jonathan: Just kidding. You're a part of our team, now.

Ksemanr: Let's get to work, you guys.

Jonathan: I like the way you think, Naya.

After five minutes of "I bet I bet that you bet I bet," Sephiroth and Cademon were arrested for, what the police officer said, "causing a disturbance in the marketplace." The police officer escorted the two characters to the electronics department where they played the demo of _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ on the Nintendo Wii, after their handcuffs were confiscated.

Sephiroth: Aw _man_, but I liked my handcuffs.

Cademon: _I_ liked your dad.

Nintendo Wii: Ooooooooh!

**Diss Battle**  
Cademon vs. Sephiroth

Sephiroth: Apparently, you're not liked by many, 'cause at church, you're at the bottom of the prayer list.

Nintendo Wii: Ooooooooooooh!

Cademon: Well, I'm assuming that you have a lot of issues, 'cause at church, you're at the _top_ of the prayer list.

Nintendo Wii: Ooooooooooooooh!

Sephiroth: Oh, I'm sorry; I made a mistake. I guess no one cares about you. You're not _on_ the prayer list.

Nintendo Wii: That was cold!

Cademon: Well _you_ are, doing something that you shouldn't.

Sephiroth: Is that the best you could do?

Cademon: The only person that I do is your wife. That's why she said "I do" when you, the minister, led us through our vows at the wedding yesterday.

Sephiroth: Take that _back_, you horse molester.

Nintendo Wii:

Cademon: You like to flirt with all the NHL teams.

Sephiroth: You like to go into the closet and do stuff to yourself.

Cademon: You get your milk from Rikku.

Sephiroth: The last time _I_ checked, you and Jonathan had dranked it all.

Jonathan37 and Jonathan37373737: Hey! I demand a recount!

Cademon: speaks to Sephiroth Your wife dranked it all.

Sephiroth: "Your wife" is getting old. Now go down the A-hole.

Cademon: You use to do lap dances with the Backstreet Boys.

Sephiroth: You use to _do_ the Backstreet Boys.

Cademon: ...

Nintendo Wii and Jonathan37: OOOOOOOOOOOH!!!

Cademon: speaks to Sephiroth That was _so_ cheap. You just took my line and reworded it.

Nintendo Wii: Yeah, he cheated, like when Mario interrupted Sonic in the rap battle on IGN.

Sephiroth: Nobody cares.

Cademon: Your_ daughter_ cares.

Sephiroth: _My_ daughter? _You're_ the one who made her when you got with Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Jonathan37: Your husband is up.

Random Man: He was up at 4 O' clock in the morning, making your daughter--Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

**You have now unlocked a bonus mission!**

**Bonus Mission: **Keep Bugs Bunny from having the last word!

Sephiroth: answers Bugs Bunny Your wife is up.

Cademon: speaks to Bugs Bunny Yeah, she's trying to tie you with the umbilical cord that you were attached to before you were born.

Jonathan37373737: Preach it!

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Random Man: Your divorce paperwork that you colored in Sunday school last night.

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Jonathan37: The politic who sold your dead corpse to Moses.

Bugs Bunny: ...Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Cademon: The guy who married your dead corpse...

Sephiroth: Before diagnosing it with all kinds of harmful substances that lawyers have. No offense to any lawyers out there.

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Random Man: Your wife's husband.

Cademon: Who forgot to pay for child support.

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Sephiroth: The condom that you received for attending _Ronald McDonald's XXX Seminar(s)_. But the condom went up yours and out the front, down yours and out the back, through yours and out the side, and out the side and into the hole.

Jonathan37: That was a good one, Sephiroth. gives Sephiroth a high five

Sephiroth: high fives Jon

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Jonathan37373737: Your menstrual cycle, when you go through puberty at Burger King.

Cademon: And that's why you were aborted at the age of 23 before you were born because...

Sephiroth: That's the way life works.

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Jonathan37: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Everyone except Bugs Bunny:

Cademon: Perhaps I should have bought that strategy guide.

Sephiroth: Perhaps.

Jonathan37373737: Don't give up, guys, we can take him. So, Jon, what do you think we should do?

Random Man: I think we should give him the respect he deserves.

Jonathan37: Then let's go for it! Sephiroth, will you start the countdown?

Sephiroth: With pleasure. Three...two...one...

Everyone except Bugs Bunny: Mafia Attack!!!

In perfect unison, the five stooges made a headlong rush toward Bugs Bunny, pulling out machetes, sub machine guns, clubs, heroin, atomic bombs, and anything else that they could manage to carry. The three "Jonathans" ignited all the atomic bombs while Cademon fired at Bugs with the sub machine guns; Cademon also took out the heroin and inhaled it when Sephiroth wielded his weapon and the machetes as they all leaped towards Bugs Bunny for the kill!

And now, for obvious reasons, Wal-Mart was no longer a store; well, actually it was, but it was a store that had exploded from the inside because of the atomic bombs. Large portions and segments of the store flew everywhere across the city and onto the streets. The explosion made everyone so happy, that the dead people in the store had to use cheat codes in order to suscitate themselves, except for the five corpses that now laid in the middle of the remodeled Wal-Mart store. In the center of the bodies stood a gray and white rabbit.

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

**You cannot commit homicide! Mission failed.  
**  
Jonathan37: comes back to life I think you mean "suicide," but whatever. dies again

Sephiroth: Man, _shut up_, Jon. We're supposed to be dead closes his eyes

Random Man: Dude, he's dead! He can't hear you.

Sephiroth: opens his eyes Your daughter can hear you.

Cademon: That's why she got with Bugs Bunny today.

Jonathan37373737: And when he gave her his permanent autograph, a sperm cell, she produced an offspring and named her daughter Bugs Bunny.

Random Man: That's why she's your daughter.

Sephiroth: And she's the son of my father.

Jonathan37: And the father of your son.

Cademon: Who speaks in all possible languages.

Jonathan37373737: Can I get a "hallelujah" from all the dead people in this store?

Dead People: **Hallelujah!**

Jonathan37373737: Can I get a "Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite?"

Dead People: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

And then everyone, including the dead people, were arrested for, what the police officer said, "causing a disturbance in the marketplace." The police officer escorted everyone, including the dead people, to the electronics department where they all played the demo of _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ on the Nintendo Wii, after their handcuffs were confiscated.

Everyone: Aw _man_, but I liked my handcuffs.

Ksemanr had told CT, Jonathan, and Naya to meet him in the center of the garden near a waterfall, once they had finished collecting 25,000 flowers. Coincidentally, every one of them came running towards the waterfall at the same time. They had completed their mission.

Ksemanr: So how did it go for everyone?

Naya: It was fine, but tiring.

Jonathan: I cheated, like Ksemanr.

CT: Me too.

Ksemanr: Let's go find Marluxia and tell her/him that we collected all the flowers.

"There's no need to wander."

The four companions turned around and saw Marluxia.

Jonathan: Hi, Amy.

Marluxia: ignores Jonathan So you've collected 100,000 flowers?

Ksemanr: Yes, we did.

Marluxia: It doesn't look like it. looks at Jonathan Where are the flowers that _you_ picked up?

Jonathan: There in your bedroom where we left them last week.

Marluxia: Excuse me?!

Jonathan: Whoops! You see, I pulled out my laptop which was in the side pocket of one of the pockets in my left--or right?--pocket, see? pulls out his laptop which was in the side pocket of one of the pockets in his left--or right?--pocket, see?

The laptop had not been turned off since the last time Jonathan used it. And on the screen, it showed a multitude of flowers.

Jonathan: I stole cough...I bought a digital camera from Big the Cat's garage sale in _Conquest of the Letters_, although that part is not in the fan-fic. I picked up a flower and took a picture of it. Then I used a scanner to scan the picture into my laptop even though I probably didn't need to since I have a digital camera and this sentence is a run-on. Then I copied the image and pasted it 25,000 times in the Microsoft Word document. nods at Ksemanr

Ksemanr: I used the power of my religion, Spaiel, to attract 50,000 flowers towards me. I gave the other half to Naya.

Naya: That's why it was tiring.

Jonathan: Oh, and CT just happen to bring his laptop that he hasn't bought yet, nor does it belong to him even though he bought it and this sentence is a run-on. He did the same thing that I did, except for the fact that he printed the document which is what I did not do.

CT: holds up the paper with 25,000 images of the same flower Jon and I had to shrink the size of the pictures in order for all of them to show up on one page.

Jonathan: Right.

Ksemanr: Left.

Marluxia: You all expect me to accept this?!

Ksemanr and Jonathan: No, why not?

Marluxia: Your wife!

Jonathan: I think you mean, "Your wife(s)," or "Your wives." But these days, I guess grammar on a message board is as important as integrity is in the secular world--not very important at all.

Naya: speaks to Marluxia Listen! The task that you gave us was seemingly impossible, okay?

CT: Yeah, and this is not your fan-fic.

Ksemanr: It's your wife's fan-fic.

Jonathan: Or _her_ wife's fan-fic--your wife's wife's fan-fic.

Marluxia: Enough! I will not take this any longer.

Jonathan: But will you take us to your wife's house?

Marluxia: No.

Jonathan: But will you take us to _her _wife's house?

Marluxia: No!

Ksemanr: Then what are you going to do?

Marluxia: I'm going to help you all. Come along. makes a hand gesture

The team followed Marluxia through a tract of grassland. He/she led them to an area populated by trees.

CT: Well, at least we have shade now.

Ksemanr: Maybe she'll give us shades to wear.

Naya: Hey, look. It's the river. We've made it.

Jonathan: Hold on. Something doesn't look right. What's that stuff floating and sinking in the water?

Marluxia: Those are the negative numbers. You'll also notice that not all of the numbers are the same color.

CT: Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!

CT started for the river, but Marluxia grabbed him by the arm.

Marluxia: Not so fast. The river is guarded. You must face one more obstacle, and then you'll be well on your way. Good luck. skips away, dancing with his scythe, singing "I feel pretty"

The four comrades stood there ground, waiting until this so-called "obstacle" would appear.

Ksemanr: waiting

Naya: waiting

Jonathan: waiting

CT: waiting

Ksemanr: waiting

Naya: waiting

Jonathan: waiting

CT: waiting

Ksemanr: waiting

Naya: waiting

Jonathan: waiting

CT: waiting

Jonathan: _Gosh_. We can't wait all year. Where's the "Big Cheese"?

Ksemanr: If Cademon was here, he would be all like, "Patience." So I say, "patience," Jon. And who knows? This "obstacle" may not be a challenger, but a level of some sort that we must go through.

Jonathan: Aw man. Mr. Hartely's wisdom/persona is rubbing off on you. That explains why he's at the electronics department playing _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ with all the corpses.

Ksemanr, CT, and Naya: ...

Jonathan: ...

Naya was about to ask Jonathan for a "Plain English" interpretation of what he had just said, but a large rabbit sprung out of the river. It was about 8 feet tall and 6 feet in width. The rabbit landed in front of the four companions. And to everyone's surprise, Justin Timberlake was riding on top of the rabbit without my permission. He was glued to the rabbit. And although he was using the rabbit as a taxi cab, he had been glued unconditionally.

Naya: I'm not sure about everyone else, but I don't want to know what that means.

Jonathan: What? The "unconditional" part? Yeah, it's kind of creepy. And we can't explain that part, anyway, because of the G/PG rule for posting in this forum.

CT: speaks to Justin So...I guess you're the challenge that we must face.

Jonathan: Or perhaps he's just passing by. speaks to Justin Do you have a passport?

Justin Timberlake: ...No...?

Jonathan: Do you have a savings account?

Justin Timberlake: Yes.

Jonathan: What's your PIN number?

Justin Timberlake: _Your_ PIN number.

Jonathan: Hey!

**Boss Battle**  
Easter Bunny and Justin Timberlake

**Background Music**  
"My Love" (by Justin Timberlake)

The background music began to play as the group of heroes charged forward at the Easter Bunny. Click here to go to to hear "My Love."

Timberlake used his unconditionality to control the bunny rabbit. The rabbit vaulted high into the air, leaping over the four. Aloft, the rabbit turned itself downward and shot Darth Vaders out of its mouth. Ksemanr saw this and unsheathed his sword immediately, Naya took out her sickles, and CT and Jonathan got into a fighting stance.

With an upward swing, the blade of Ksemanr's sword went through one of the Vaders, cutting it in half before it could land. From the corner of his eye, Ksemanr saw a Vader walking up to him from his side. Ksemanr spun around and sliced the Sith Lord's neck, beheading the Dark Lord.

Jonathan avoided the descending Vaders by doing the moonwalk to "My Love." Then he pulled out his birth certificate, sold it to the readers of this chapter, and kicked a Darth Vader in the reproduction area, which had little to no effect for obvious reasons.

Naya wielded two sickles in a diagonal pattern from left to right, attacking the Darth Vaders as they landed.

CT grabbed a Vader and lifted him into the air as he began to fly, then he hurled the Sith into a group of Darth Vaders who were closing in on Jonathan. Jonathan was not aware of the oncoming Vaders because he was too busy trying to invite other Vaders to his church.

Jonathan: turns around Oh! looks at CT Thanks, CT!

CT: No problem, Jon.

Now, some of the Vaders started igniting their lightsabers.

Ksemanr: Uh-oh. It looks like the _real_ action is about to start. quickly turns his head at Naya Naya, look out!

Naya turned around and saw that Justin Timberlake was about to run her over with the Easter Bunny. Instead of jumping out of the way, Naya ran straight towards the rabbit and leaped onto its face. Then she climbed to the top of its head and pushed Justin Timberlake off the bunny.

Jonathan: So I guess the glue wasn't very sticky afterall. And that's what he gets for trying to do the _Makeover_ on Naya.

Ksemanr: Indeed.

CT: C'mon. We have to defeat the rest of the Darth Vaders.

Naya: No problem. I'll take care of them.

Naya somehow managed to steer the bunny towards the Vaders, giving them a _Makeover_ as the Easter Bunny trampled over them.

Ksemanr: Good work, Naya. Jonathan, can you take out the rest of the Vaders? CT and I will handle Justin Timberlake.

Jonathan: Alright, guys, here we go!

Naya: And _girls_?!

Jonathan: Oops! Well, since you're the only girl, your--

Darth Vaders: Hurry up and defeat us!

Jonathan: Okay.

Naya directed the Easter Bunny toward the last of the Sith Lords, and Jonathan followed from behind. Naya was just a few steps away from a Vader when she let the rabbit run over the Sith while she jumped off of the rabbit towards another Vader. In midair, she took out her sickles and tried to deliver a blow towards a Vader. The Vader barely managed to evade the assault, but one of the scythes on Naya's sickles cut off most of the Vader's cape. Jonathan picked up the torn cloth and sold it to the Vader. Then he e-mailed the Vader to you.

Suddenly, Jonathan was lifted into the air by an unknown force and was hurled towards a tree. Jonathan slammed into the tree with a sharp, abrupt impact.

Jonathan: is unconscious But at least I have the privilege of being unconscious now. e-mails himself to you

Jonathan had been Force-hurled by one of the last two Vaders. One of the Vaders activated a lightsaber. The other one Force-jumped towards Naya. Naya stepped back and then she lunged at the Darth Vader and stabbed him where his heart used to be. But Darth Vader, according to _this_ fan-fic at least, didn't have a heart, so the killing blow was a bit useless for obvious reasons, just like the groin attack that Jonathan had performed earlier.

Jonathan: But he wasn't groaning.

Vader: groans

Jonathan: Oops! My bad. Hey! You're one of the Vaders who were defeated already.

Vader: No, I'm your wife. takes off the Vader mask, revealing herself as NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I divorced you in the RP that I started writing with Ksemanr. How can this be?!

Wikipedia: I think _you_ know the answer to that. disappears

Jonathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Naya jerked the scythe out of the Vader and forcefully kicked him in the knee. Then Jonathan came from behind the Vader and undressed him.

Jonathan: LIES!!! All lies!!!

The Darth Vader killed Jonathan with a rabid gorilla, and then he put his clothes back on.

Jonathan: After this chapter, I have a few words for the narrator of this script.

Naya used her sickles to truncate the Vader's left arm, and then she finished him by slicing him in half.

Jonathan: The last Vader is _mine!_

Naya: ...Okay...whatever you say.

Jonathan: Don't look at me that way!

Naya:

Jonathan: Daniel! DANIEL!!!

Naya: ...He can't hear you. This is a story, not a radio program. Can we get on with this chapter now?

Jonathan: Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!

Naya: Well, you do need to shave.

Jonathan: Hey! My facial hair is more beautiful then _your_ fiancée!

Naya:

Jonathan: Stop!

The last Vader wanted to put Jonathan out of his misery, so he sent a blow with his lightsaber towards Jonathan's head. The weird guy ducked and jabbed Darth Vader in the abdomen.

Jonathan: Ouch!

Darth Vader sent forth a side kick to Jon's chest, but Jonathan slanted his upper-body forward and parried Vader's boot with his face.

Jonathan: Ouch!

Jonathan slapped Darth Vader in the face.

Jonathan: Ouch!

Darth Vader positioned his lightsaber toward Jonathan's legs and tried to cut them off. Jonathan blocked this attack by grabbing on to the blade.

Jonathan: Ouch!

Darth Vader[How can he do that?!

Jonathan: responds to Vader's thought "I am _randomness_!"

Holding on to the blade, Jonathan snatched the lightsaber from Vader, turned it over, grabbed the handle, and struck Vader in the area of reproduction, which had more than an effect _this_ time for obvious reasons.

Jonathan: _Your_ wife! drives the saber in further

Darth Vader: OH _yeah_...?!

Jonathan: Yeah! takes the blade out and drives it in further

Darth Vader: **Hallelujah!**

Jonathan: Yeah! takes the blade out and drives it in further

Darth Vader: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Jonathan: NO! takes the blade out and drives it in further

Naya: Um...Jon? If you "drive it in further," which is physically impossible by now, the entire _lightsaber_, including your arm, is going to be inside his...

Jonathan: NO! takes the blade out and drives it in further

Now, part of Jonathan's arm was inside the area, and the lightsaber blade had came out of Vader's rear.

Darth Vader: like Michael Jackson Ow!

Jonathan: YEAH!!! takes the blade out and drives it in further

Naya: Jonathan! That's enough!

Jonathan: **YEAH!!!** takes the blade out and drives it in further

Naya: Jonathan! Stop!

Jonathan: **YEAH!!!**

Jonathan was about to do the unthinkable by shoving himself through the area, but Naya seized him and tried to take the lightsaber from him. To Naya, Jonathan's hand was a frozen vice-like grip. The two began to wrestle and struggle for the lightsaber. Jonathan had turned to the dark side--the _random_ dark side. He was now unnaturally strong, like the "psycho version" of Tails in Dillo's digitally re-mastered Halloween fan-fic. Jonathan forcefully jerked the lightsaber away from Naya.

Jonathan: shouts at Naya Don't make me divorce you like I did to Wikipedia!

Naya: ...We're not married.

Jonathan: Oops! Sorry. turns back to the light side Doh!

Ksemanr and CT approached Justin Timberlake as the background music changed from  
"My Love" to "Sexy Back," indicating the climax of the battle. But I won't post a link to that song for obvious reasons.

CT: speaks to Justin You're going down.

Ksemanr: Yeah, we're going to escort you out of this fan-fic.

Justin Timberlake: Not on _my_ watch. Watch this!

**Climax of Boss Battle**  
Justin Timberlake (JT)

**Background Music**  
Sexy Back

But Ksemanr did not give Justin enough time to start dance breaking; he threw a punch towards his nose, but Justin performed a ripple with his shoulders and leaned to the right  
in an agile motion. He was still in this position when he lashed out with a left kick. Ksemanr stepped back just in time.

CT took out his sword; Ksemanr did the same. The two comrades stood side by side and pointed their weapons towards each other, angling the blades so that the swords intersected. They stared at one another for a moment, and then Ksemanr broke the silence.

Ksemanr: Ready, CT?

CT: Ready. Let's finish this, Ksemanr.

Ksemanr: nods

Justin Timberlake: tries to taunt CT and Ksemanr I'm ready when you guys are.

The two combatants dismissed Timberlake's comment as they twirled and twisted their sabers, spinning around and performing a combo of stylish swordsman techniques before posing in their signature fighting stances.

Justin Timberlake: chuckles This is where the fun begins.

Anakin Skywalker: Hey! You got that from me when I said that near the beginning of _Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith_. And Jonathan paid me to say this.

Jonathan37373737: I sure did. picks Anakin's pocket and rips him off, taking the 74 million dollars that he had previously gave him runs off

Anakin Skywalker: What are you doing?! Come back! runs after the weird guy

Sephiroth: Believe me, you don't want the money. It's counterfeit.

Anakin Skywalker: stops running and turns around ...What?!

Sephiroth: Yep.

Anakin Skywalker:

Sephiroth: Sorry, dude.

Random Man: Yeah, dude, sorry. By the way, I have diarrhea, in case you didn't know.

Bugs Bunny: Ehhhhh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Sephiroth: speaks to Justin, Ksemanr, and CT You can finish the fight scene now.

Justin, Ksemanr, and CT: Okay.

Instead of letting CT and Ksemanr close in for the attack, Justin sprinted, moving as fast as his legs would allow him to. He leaped at CT and shifted his body side ways so that he could kick out with both of his legs at the same time. CT stumbled to do the ground, but got up immediately. Justin was still in the air when Ksemanr swung at his face, but it missed when Justin did a swift, horizontal spin move before turning right-side up to land. Justin knew that CT was coming from behind, so he crouched low to the ground as he made a 180 degree turn, trying to deliver a kick to CT's legs. CT flew over the top of Justin while striking him in the head with his knee. As Timberlake got up, Ksemanr was about to get serious: he took a long step forward and tried to run his saber through Timberlake's face. Justin's reaction was a dance move where he eluded the attack by sliding to the left as his body moved in a snake-like, rippling pattern.

Justin looked up just in time to see CT who was about to land directly in front of him as he swung his sword downward. JT did a roundhouse kick, knocking the sword out of CT's hand. Then he brought his right fist back and acted as if he was going to send CT a blow to the face, but it was a ruse. He quickly turned and threw a punch at Ksemanr. Holding the sword with one hand, Ksemanr used his free hand to grab JT's fist; he forcefully pulled Timberlake towards himself and clouted him on the forehead with the handle of his sword. While this happened, CT had enough time to pick up his weapon.

Justin stepped on Ksemanr's left foot. This was not an accident; it was intentional. Ksemanr lost his footing and began to topple over. Justin assisted his fall by pushing him down. Now Timberlake took two steps back.

Justin Timberlake: You guys are _really_ desperate.

Police officer: Anyone who has to go so far to sing "Dick in a Box" is desperate. Yeah, I was at the concert. And if it wasn't for the box, I would've arrested you for indecent exposure.

Justin Timberlake: ...tries to change the subject Are you supposed to be in this story?

Police officer: No, neither are you.

Suddenly, a loud _pop_ was heard, as though a balloon had burst. Now, the police officer deflated, and it was obvious that this police officer wasn't really a police officer after all. It was one of Jonathan's random inflatables. The weird guy had thrown his lightsaber at the balloon/humanoid thing, even though the lightsaber actually belonged to one of the Vaders. This was a random diversion, a distraction. And while Timberlake stood his ground, staring at the inflatable police officer, Ksemanr and CT jumped him. Then they tied him up and put him on a plane filled with snakes where Samuel L. Jackson forced him to "do a barrel roll" while listening to this song: Click here.

CT: Well, I guess that takes care of _him_.

Ksemanr: Yeah. Now we can continue our journey. Good work, team.

CT: You too, Ksemanr.

Naya: walks up with Jonathan We all did this together.

Jonathan: Yes, we did. We may not be the Fantastic 4, but we're the _Random_ 4. And I guess you've proven yourself useful after all.

Naya: What do you mean "_after all_"? Ksemanr knew that I was more than capable to be on a mission like this.

Jonathan: It's not a mission; it's a journey.

Naya: Whatever.

Jonathan: Hey!

**Hey, readers! Don't miss the next chapter of this exciting, random-packed adventure, as our heroes journey through the River of Negative Numbers.  
**  
Jonathan: Attention! Before you go, you may want to take the time to read the following message to clear up some of the "common misunderstandings" that new readers, like yourself, commonly have while reading a randomly randomized well-written random script of randomology and randomness, like the preceding chapter that you just read even if you didn't read it and this sentence is a run-on in case you didn't know.

_**Random "Insider" Information**_

**1. Jonathan's Exclamation**

There are times in stories when Jonathan will call on Daniel when things are not going too well for him. This explains the exclamation that Jonathan made when Naya was looking at him the way she was looking at him when he said, "Daniel! DANIEL!!!" Also, Daniel is the creator of the character known as Ksemanr--one of the main characters in this story.

**2. Emoticons:** "Raised Eyebrow" and "Yeah Right"

Most of you readers probably noticed this already, but I purposely used different emoticons for Naya. Before Jonathan said, "Don't look at me that way!" the "raised eyebrow" emoticon was posted for Naya. After Jonathan said, "Don't look at me that way!" I used the "yeah right" emoticon. Can you tell the difference between the two? For a moment, they might look identical...

**3. The Weird Guy's Trademark Statement** - "Hey! You got that from--"

Occasionally, you may read a part where Jonathan goes, "Hey! You got that from--" and then he'll get interrupted by what I now call an "automatic delay." This "delay" is when Jonathan will get _owned_, like getting attacked by a bunch of suicidal cows, or being forced to "do a barrel roll" with Samuel L. Jackson. Originally, Jonathan would say his infamous quote and get pushed into an unknown pool of lava that would just randomly show up for obviously no apparent reason, but this doesn't happen very often anymore.

Jonathan: Yeah, for some reason, it doesn't happen very often anymore. gets pushed into the lava Wow! And _I'm_ not even Rick James. ...Anyway, this concludes our randomly Random "Insider" Information. Come back for more randomness. swims deeper into the lava while drowning again


	5. Chapter 5

Written by CTSucks 007

Characters copyright of their respective owners. 

**Chapter 5**

The Random 4 were walking toward across the bridge that went over the river of negative numbers, when suddenly a troll dragged them under. Somehow, they were able to breathe under that water.

The troll was wearing a loin-cloth made out of Ronald McDonald's clothes, which may suggest an "association" between the two.

Naya: Hey that's Rona-

Troll: SILENCE! Answer my riddle: What's Jonathan's wife li-

Jonathan: She's not my wife anymore! I divorced her earlier in the fanfic!

Ksemanr: Wait, how are we breathing underwater?

Naya: ...or talking for that matter?

Everyone: ...

All of a sudden, a rip in fan fiction and continuity called a "Plot hole" occurred.  
Now, for some reason, the rushing water started to deprive them of oxygen as they were pulled into the plot hole, then everything went black...

... later on, they woke up belted down with their mouths covered in separate beds.

Jonathan: MMF!

CT: Mmf?

Jonathan: Mmf!

Ksemanr: Mmf?

Jonathan: Mmf Mmf Mmf ...TOASTY!

Naya: How'd you talk through the mouth-piece?

Jonathan: I don-

A beeping noise blared through the room as some guys in suits kicked down the door to the room.

???#1: holds ear as if listening to a transceiver Uh-huh... Mm-Hmm... Got it.

Everyone else: Mmf?

The various blatant FBI rip-offs wheeled them off to an all-white room (except the door, of course), the ceiling lined with bright-lights. There's a window to the left that has a room full of scientist-looking people with clip-boards. The Random 4 were then thrown off their cozy beds and onto the floor of what I'll call "The Chamber".

Speaker: Release the robot!

An otherwise un-seeable door opened and a 14-foot robot with blades at the end of its 4 arms stepped out. It also has a yellow-ish ball for a head, which it shoots giant laser-beams from, but it looks normal other than that.

R4(Random Four): Scamper and run around panicking

As our brave heroes were busy panicking the robot was intent on gutting them with its built-in blades. It made a downward swing at where Ksemanr was going, but Ksemanr stopped just in time. And then something amazingly lucky happened... Ksemanr's restraints came off! Looks like the blade just cut them. He took off his mask, drew his blade and made a diagonal swing at the robot's chest, which tore it a new one and made it fall over from the impact.

Ksemanr: Let's get going! Cuts the restraints of the other using his sword

Naya: Yahoo!

Jonathan: Thanks!

CT: Yes!

The 4 proceeded to escape through the door they came in as the robot got up.

Robot: I'm too old for this. I mean, I'm a 1994 model for gosh sake! Why'd I even agree to this?

Guy through the speaker: Because we told you they had your Quiznos.

Robot: OO; My Mmm... mmm... mmm... goodness must not be taken from me! runs after them through the hallway

Guy through the speaker: Idiot... he doesn't even have taste bud functions... or eyes to use that emoticon with!

Narrator: cough I swear I'm going to smack someone if this doesn't make sense soon... wait, the mics o-OMG!!!.Umm... our heroes successfully got out of the building after fending off more scientists than you can shake a stick at, however, this ordeal was far from over.

Jonathan: Why would I want to shake a stick at a scientist?

... The robot caught up with the group and for some inexplicable reason, tried to kill Jonathan first.

Jonathan: Hey!

**Boss Battle: Quiznos-addicted robot**  
_Semi-Pokémon style!_

A wild ROBOT appeared!

Narrator sent out  
Ksemanr, Jonathan, Naya and CT!

Enemy Robot used CUT!  
(animation of the robot charging with one of its blade hands)

Ksemanr used BLOCK!  
(animation of Ksemanr holding the robot's sword there with his own sword)

Naya used WRAP!  
(animation of Sickles flying from Naya and wrapping around the robot's legs, the scythe part imbedding themselves in the robot's ankles)

Jonathan used SKETCH!  
(animation of Jonathan drawing something on his handy-dandy notebook, then an obviously drawn tank coming from the notebook and blasting the tank)

CT used FLY!  
(normal Pokémon animation of CT ascending off-screen)

Enemy ROBOT used STEEL BLADE! (I know it's not a real Pokémon attack... or maybe it is. But it's based off of "Leaf blade" at least.)  
[Cutting animation on all 4 of the random 4

CT used FLY!  
(normal Pokémon animation of CT dive-bombing the robot and returning to his space)

Ksemanr used PSYCHO CUT!  
(Psycho music plays and then there's a very aggressive animation of Ksemanr slicing up the robot)

Naya used STEEL KNOT!  
(animation of Naya pulling and the robot tripping as the sickles are pulled out)

Jonathan used CONFUSION!  
(animation of Jonathan throwing a burrito)

Enemy ROBOT is confused!  
Enemy ROBOT committed suicide in confusion!  
Enemy ROBOT fainted!

Ksemanr gained 666 EXP points!  
Naya gained 666 EXP points!  
Jonathan gained 666 EXP points!  
CT gained 666 EXP points!  
flash out of semi-Pokémon-inspired battle

Naya: Where are we?

Jonathan: The Federal Branch of Plot Hole and Nonsense Prevention.

Everyone else: ...

Jonathan: What? I've been here before!  
Come on, I know the way to the concert from here.

And so, following Jonathan who apparently knew the area well, our err... "heroes" were well on their way to The System of a Down concert!


	6. Chapter 6

Written by Ksemanr

Characters copyright of their respective owners. 

**Insert Spam Here**

**System Of A Down Arc**

**Chapter 6**

Our heroes had made it out of the Federal Branch of Plot Hole and Nonsense Prevention (PANP) and proceeded along lead by Jonathan who apparently knew the way. As they were walking, the walked face first into a wall. There was a door next to them with a sign next to it that read "Federal Branch of Plot Hole and Nonsense Prevention".

CTSucks 007: Hey, Jon, I thought you said you knew the way from here!

Jonathan: I do! We haven't made it out of the building yet! This is just a fake environment used for tests on subjects.

Naya: But you told us that we had made it out!

Jonathan: No I didn't, that was the narrator.

Narrator: Hey! I was just following the script!

Ksemanr: Hey, I think I've heard that voice before!

Narrator: Uh …No you haven't. We've never met before! I don't even know who you people are!

Ksemanr: Hey! You're Rangiku aren't you?

Narrator: Uh…no…I'm...uh…Matsumoto! Yeah that's it I'm Matsumoto!

Ksemanr: Uh…Rangiku, that's your last name.

Rangiku: It is?

The Random 4:

Rangiku: …

Lexaeus: That's my line!!!!!!!

Jonathan: You're supposed to be dead Lexaeus.

Lexaeus: … gets taken away by the FBI rip-offs for creating a plot hole

Director: Cut!!!! to The Random 4, Rangiku and Lexaeus Follow the script!!!!!!!!!!

The Random Four, Rangiku, and Lexaeus: Ok…

Director: Ok action!!!!

Rangiku: Our heroes were about to proceed through the door when they heard some strange laughing behind them. They turned around to see Xaldin on the ground in a straight jacket.

Xaldin: eye twitches Must stab!!! MUST STAB!!! STAB!!! STABSTABSTAB!!!!

CT: Dude, this guy is nucking futs!!

Naya: Yeah that's probably why he's here.

Jonathan: He's probably the subjects the PANP are researching.

Rangiku: When Xaldin saw our heroes he stood up and ripped the straight jacket off and pulled out a pair of scissors. He charged towards the Random 4 with the pair of scissors in hand.

Xaldin: STAB!!!!!!

Rangiku: Xaldin stabbed at the Random Four but they were all able to jump out of the way just in time. Xaldin continued to chase them around the room trying to stab them with the scissors. Meanwhile a group of scientists stood behind a window watching.

Scientist #1: Very interesting. writes something down on a clipboard

Scientist #2: The subject is still showing signs of aggression and violence.

Scientist #3: Subject shows no sign of improving.

Scientist #1: Your wife shows no sign of improving.

Scientist #3: You take that back!!

Scientist #1: What? I'm just saying, from what I experienced last night she hasn't improved at all.

Scientist #3: I'm gonna kill you! attacks Scientist #1 and starts beating the crap out of him

Scientist #2: Uh guys we're supposed to be watching the subject.

Scientist #1 and 3: Oh yeah.

Scientist #1: I wonder how the subject would react if we were to give him his weapons back.

Scientist #2: Let's test it and find out.

Rangiku: The scientists then pressed a random button, and when they did the pair of scissors disappeared from Xaldin's hand and was replaced with six large, pointy spears.

Jonathan: Hey no fair!!

Rangiku: A large grin appeared on Xaldin's face as he grab a spear in one hand and two in the other. The remaining three spears floated around Xaldin while he controlled them as if they were limbs. Xaldin started swinging the spears around like crazy at our heroes. He swung a spear at CT but CT avoided the onset by jumping into the air. CT went in to kick Xaldin but was met with another spear and knocked back. Ksemanr shot a blast of fire at Xaldin. Xaldin deflected the fire with one of his spears then quickly used another spear to block an attack from Naya. Jonathan took a 7 out of his screen name and swung at the Nobody with it. One of Xaldin's spears cut the 7 in half. Xaldin then started to float in the air and started glowing green. He started spinning his spears around wildly at our heroes leaving them unable to counter. The Random Four were cornered up against a wall.

CT: WTF? How are we supposed to beat him?

Ksemanr: There's only one thing to do. pulls a phone out of nowhere and dials a number

Mickey Mouse: picks up the phone Hello?

Ksemanr: Hey Mickey, this is Ksemanr. We need some help.

Mickey: Alright I'll be right there! Where are you?

Ksemanr: We're at the Federal Branch of Plot Hole and Nonsense Prevention.

Mickey: Alright I'm on my way!

Rangiku: As soon as Ksemanr hung up the phone, Mickey Mouse somersaulted into the room wearing an Organization XIII cloak.

Mickey: Alright guys where is he? They all point at Xaldin and Mickey turns around to see him Oh sh… AHHHH!!!

Rangiku: The Random Four quickly ran through the door away from Xaldin. Screams of pain could be heard coming from Mickey in the other room. The four of them just continue along happily ignoring the obvious screams for help. As they started to turn around a corner they stopped. The next room was being guarded several heavily armed FBI rip-offs.

Naya: How are we supposed to get past all of them?

Ksemanr: Yeah, there's got to be at least a 23 of them.

CT: 23? Wow! That's one more than 6!

Jonathan: Don't worry guys I have a plan.

Rangiku: Cademon and Sephiroth walked out of the electronics department of Wal-Mart after playing the demo for _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess _for the Nintendo Wii for 8 hours straight.

Cademon: Sephiroth if you don't mind I would like your assistance in a task I must do.

Sephiroth: Alright but what is it?

Cademon: hands Sephiroth the _Official Strategy_ _Guide to Insert Spam Here_ opened to a specific page I need help with that.

Sephiroth: I see. I'll help out however I can. I got the next week off work anyways.

**Sephiroth has joined your party! Now you can eat sandwiches as a field ability by pressing X!**

Rangiku: As Cademon and Sephiroth were heading towards the exit to the store, a man wearing a black cloak and black mask covering the lower half of his face walked up to him. The man was hunched over a little and had a hood up over his head. The man stood in front of Cademon and Sephiroth and opened his cloak.

Cademon: Whoa man! I don't want to see that!

Sephiroth: Yeah man, sorry but we're not that way.

Merchant: Welcome strangers. What're you buying? I've got some rare items on stock today.

Sephiroth: Uh…we're in a store. Why would we need to buy anything from you?

Merchant: Would you like to buy some _When Shippo Attacks _action figures from Bend-It Corporations? They're of the highest quality! I even have the rare Cloud Strife action figure with amazing stomach ache action! I'll sell it to you now for the low, low price of 150,000 pesetas.

Cademon: No thanks. I can buy them right here at Wal-Mart and they only costs 1,000 pesetas here. They're right next to the _Flight of the Dango _and _Shadow of Gin _action figures. And besides, the Cloud Strife action figure is the most common one.

Merchant: Not enough cash! Stranger…

Cademon: I didn't try to buy anything. We're just going to go now.

Merchant: Farewell, strangers.

Cademon: turns to the audience _When Shippo Attacks_ action figures from Bend-It, if you don't have any you suck!

Rangiku: All of a sudden Leon Kennedy ran into the store, shot the merchant in the foot, and then ran away. After being shot the merchant did a back-flip and landed on his back and twitched while making a weird groaning noise and he proceeded to die. Cademon and Sephiroth left the store and left in the direction they needed to go for obvious reasons.

Jonathan: Alright guys just follow my lead. We're going to sneak past them using our awesome ninja powers!

Rangiku: Jonathan ran out into the middle of the room wearing and orange jumpsuit.

Jonathan: Believe it!! Believe it!!!!

Guard #1: Man standing here is boring. No one ever comes in here.

Jonathan: Believe it!!

Guard #2: I know! No one ever tries to sneak past here. I don't know why they even station us here!

Jonathan: gets in a guard's face BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!

Guard #1: I wish just once someone would try to get past here so I could actually use my gun for once.

Guard #3: Yeah I know what you mean!

Guard #4: I made brown!!

Jonathan: Believe it!

Guard #5: My pant in tours is fire!!

Guard #6: Ich habe eine Katze in meiner Hosen!

Guard #7(José): Me too!!!

Jonathan: Believe it! waves to the others to follow him

Rangiku: Ksemanr, CTSucks 007, and Naya followed Jonathan also wearing orange jumpsuits yelling "Believe it!" as they went. Thanks to their amazing ninja powers none of the guards noticed them at all.

Guard #10: Fish sticks!

Rangiku: As our heroes made it around the corner they changed back into their normal clothing. At the end of the hall they saw a door with a sign above it reading "Exit" in glowing red text. The four of them ran down the hall and opened the door to find a man with long, black hair standing in front of them in a jail cell.

Jonathan: What th'? I thought this was the exit!

Ksemanr: Uh, Jon there exit's right there. points to the door next to the cell that Jonathan opened that reads "Exit" over it.

Jonathan: Oh…ok.

Rangiku: The man's hair obscured his face but they got a good glimpse of his face he was looking at them sternly which then changed to a goofy face.

Man: You have saved me! Thank you, I shall join you on your quest to repay you. I am Ramza Kane Valentine.

**Ramza Valentine has joined your party! Now you can intimidate people by jumping as a field ability by pressing X!**

Naya: What were you in that cell for?

Ramza: Because I came from _When Shippo Attacks_ through a plot hole.

???: Hey guys, over here! Help!

Rangiku: Our heroes turned around to see another jail cell next to them with a young kid in it.

Kid: I'm Piggy. I was kidnapped for random and locked in this cell but no one ever came to save me.

Ksemanr: Ok that's nice. Let's go guys.

Piggy: Wait what!?!?! You're just going to leave me here?

Rangiku: And so the Random Five left on their way completely ignoring Piggy's cries for help.

Rangiku: Cademon and Sephiroth sat at a table in Dante's Pizza Parlor eating pizza as they were discussing their plans. They finished their plans and were about to head out.

Cademon: Thanks again for the pizza Dante.

Dante: No problem. turns around and yells back into the kitchen Hey! Hurry up with those pizzas you hookers!!

Sephiroth: Well we'll be heading out now.

Rangiku: Cademon and Sephiroth took their leave from the parlor and walked down an alleyway. They walked up to a strange clown wearing a neon green jumpsuit and long, bright purple hair. He was wearing KISS like face-paint and a combination cap and had a red, spiked clown nose. He also wore fuzzy, pink boots and his jumpsuit exposed most of his torso.

Dr. Rockzo: I'm Dr. Rockzo, the Rock 'N' Roll Clown!!! I do cocaine!!!! Bip-bip-bip-YEAH!!!!!

Cademon: We know this Rockzo.

Dr. Rockzo: Now what can I do for you fine young gentlemen? Would you like to see a rock-sclusive Dr. Rockzo music video?

Sephiroth: We'd rather not.

Dr. Rockzo: You sure? It was banned from music television because you could see my junk through my jumpsuit!

Cademon and Sephiroth: (in unison) Yeah we're sure.

Dr. Rockzo: Then what'd you guys come here for if it wasn't to see my music video? I do cocaine!!!!

Cademon: We came to-

Dr. Rockzo: I DO COCAINE!!!!!!!!

Cademon: Yes we know this. We came to ask for your help with something.

Dr. Rockzo: leans up to Cademon and whispers in his ear Seriously man a lot of cocaine.

Cademon: We know already!!!! WE KNOW!!!!

Dr. Rockzo: Well what is it?

Sephiroth: We need help finding this. Sephiroth then holds up a picture of a feather that appeared to be a key

Dr. Rockzo: (close up on his face) Oh Dr. Rockzo will get you what you want, the way you want it. (an evil grin appears on Dr. Rockzo's face)

Rangiku: Our heroes run through the hallways looking for an exit when they suddenly find them selves back in the room where they started. Only then do they realize they went the complete and total wrong way.

Jonathan: Oh great! We went the right way!

Ksemanr: I would argue with you about how we went the wrong way, but technically you're right 'cause this is the way the script says to go.

CTSucks 007: I thought we agreed in chapter 3 not to mention the script because it made this story seem unrealistic.

Jonathan: No we didn't. We just said this story is unrealistic and left it at that. And besides, it was in the script to say that.

Naya: Uh guys, does this room seem different to you?

Rangiku: It now appeared to be night in the fake environment. Xaldin and Mickey appeared to have left shortly after our heroes had left the room.

Ramza: It's kinda dark in here don't you think?

Rangiku: After Ramza said this, the fake moon lit up illuminating the room enough for them to see. They notice that the Quiznos addicted robot was strangely rusted over and had fungus growing all over it mostly mushrooms. Naya noticed the outline of a large, neon green pipe in the distance. As our heroes approached the pipe to check it out they heard the sound of something scurrying about.

Ksemanr: What was that?

Rangiku: Just then Mario jumped out of the "jumped out of" and landed on the Quiznos addicted robot in his underwear.

Everyone but Mario: AAAAAHHHH!!! My eyes!!! I didn't want to see that!!!!

Random Guy In The Background: MY LEG!!!!!!!!!!

Mario: It's-a-me-a-Mario!!!! Give-a-me-a-your-a-elbows!!!!

Everyone but Mario: looks at their elbows How do we do that?

Mario: Not-a-those! Your-a-elbow-pipes!!!!

Jonathan: reaches into his pocket and pulls out his pocket. Then he pulls and elbow pipe out of his pocket and gives it to Mario then puts his pocket back into his pocket then puts that pocket into his computer and emails it to The Biolizard

Mario: looks and the elbow pipe and thinks to himself _Those other guys didn't give me what I wanted. What do I do now? Maybe I should kill them anyways._

Jonathan: Hey! Don't kill us! That's not nice!

Mario: Hey! How'd you know what I was thinking?

Jonathan: I didn't. I just read what you said before you said what you said before what I'm saying now.

Mario: (confused) Uh...uh...ATTACK!!!

Rangiku: Just then the mushrooms growing on the Quiznos addicted robot morphed into Toad like people, except the mushrooms on their heads were colored purple and green like the poison mushrooms.

**Boss Battle**

Mario Mario and the Evil Toads

Rangiku: Naya swung the blade of one of her sickles at one of the Toads; however it passed harmlessly through the Toad doing no damage.

Naya: What the [implied!?! It's using cheat codes!

Rangiku: CT controlled the water from a nearby pond of the fake landscape and used it to attack a group of Toads, but to no avail. Ksemanr used a flaming head-butt attack on a Toad, but the Toad just stood there and laughed. Ramza drew his blade and attacked a Toad, and a 0 appeared over its head and the Toad was unaffected. Jonathan grabbed himself by the collar of his shirt and threw himself at a Toad but just went through it. Several Toads started chasing Jonathan.

Jonathan: Daniel!! The Toads aren't treating me right!!

Rangiku: Jonathan jumped into the air to do a jump attack but tripped in mid-air and fell. He landed on top of one of the Toads killing it.

CT: Of course! They're from Mario! We have to jump on their heads!

Rangiku: Our heroes having discovered their enemies' weakness quickly finished off the rest of the Toads.

Mario: Oh no!! How-did-you-a-beat-a-my-Toads!?!

Everyone: turns to face Mario

Mario: Oh-oh…

Rangiku: The Random Five all jumped at Mario to attack at the same time, dog pilling him. Mario popped into the foreground and fell off screen.

Mario: Mama-mia! dies

End Battle

Ramza: Let's go!

Rangiku: Or heroes left the room on their way out of the building.

Scientist #1: …and so I say to him "That's no plot hole, that's your wife!" all of a sudden a load crash is heard and an alarm sounds Wh-What was that?

Scientist #2: I dunno…you think we should check it out?

Scientist #1: Nah, let security take care of it.

Rangiku: Just then the door was blown down and in the doorway stood Xaldin. He had an insane look on his face and he was wielding all six of his spears.

Scientist #2: AAHH!! He's back for revenge!!

Scientist #1: He's nucking futs!

Rangiku: Xaldin started laughing manically as he swung his spears around the room recklessly, stabbing anything he could. One of his spears pierced a random machine and it started smoking.

Scientist #1: Oh no! That's the power generator for the whole building! It's gonna blow!!!

Rangiku: Our heroes ran through the hallways on the way to the exit when all of a sudden a large explosion shook the building.

Ksemanr: What happen?

Ramza: Someone set us up the bomb!

Naya: We get signal.

Ksemanr: What?

Naya: Main screen turn on.

Rangiku: A large screen on the wall then turned on and the silhouette of an evil looking man appeared on the screen.

???: All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.

Ksemanr: What you say!!

???: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha…

Rangiku: As the screen turned off, another explosion shook the building.

Jonathan: Come on guys this way! points to a door with a sign over it reading "Escape Pods"

Piggy: (From inside the cell behind them.) What about me!?! Save me too!!!

Rangiku: Our heroes once again ignored Piggy's pleas for help and ran into the escape pod room, not noticing that the exit door is right next to them. They were surprised to find that the escape pods were actually Arwings.

Ramza: Why are the escape pods Arwings?

Naya: Who cares? And look there's five of them! Let's go!

Rangiku: Our heroes each jumped into an Arwing. The roof of the room opened up and they took off. As they left the PANP, the building exploded, Piggy along with it.

CT: Hey, did you hear something? Sort of like a kid pleading for help?

Everyone but CT: Nope! Not at all!

Jonathan: Hey! We can use these to get to the concert!

Seymour-Guado: Sorry, I can't let you do that Random Five. Seymour flies in piloting a Wolfen followed by four more Wolfens

Naminé: Our boss has ordered us to take you down.

Espio: Jonathan! Long time no see!

goaT: The boss' enemies are my enemies!

Demyx: Hey you guys are looking lively!

Rangiku: (obviously drunk) Wow Izuru, you sure are a light weight! Isn't he Shūhei

Shūhei: …

Lexaeus: That's my line!!

Izuru: XяqsTaauuglili!

Rangiku: OMG Izuru! You're naked!! starts laughing

Tōshirō: Matsumoto, the mike's on.

Rangiku: It is?

Tōshirō: Yes, the audience can hear everything we're saying.

Izuru: LAAAGGLE!! Eleven! PooP!

Rangiku: Then let the twins say "Hi" to everyone! starts pressing her boobs against the mike

Tōshirō: Matsumoto!! indistinguishable yelling and the sound of someone being tied and beaten are heard and then they suddenly stop and Tōshirō returns to the mike I apologize for that. I will take over the narration until my lieutenant regains her…uh…senses. Tōshirō picks up the script and looks at it Man this script is stupid.

Director: Just read the script!

Tōshirō: But it was in the script for me to say that.

Director: Oh ok.

Tōshirō: Seymour's team split up and each member chased a specific target. Seymour targeted Ksemanr; Espio went after Jonathan, Demyx after Naya, goaT after Ramza and Naminé after CTSucks. Seymour got behind Ksemanr and started shooting at him but missed completely hitting an old lady.

Old Lady: I will get my revenge for this!!!!

Tōshirō: Espio rammed his ship into Jonathan's pushing it into lava that wasn't even there. Demyx flew up next to Naya's Arwing and started playing music on his sitar.

Demyx: Dance water dance!!

Tōshirō: A water clone of Demyx formed on the top of his Wolfen and started dancing. Naminé tried to erase the memories of CT's ship but failed because it didn't have any. goaT tried to shoot the engine to Ramza's ship but missed and hit the cappuccino machine instead blowing it up. Ramza was then covered in cappuccino making him very annoyed because he was also getting complaints from Dr. Briefs about putting in a new cappuccino machine. Just then a sixth Arwing flew into the battlefield.

Peppy: Do a barrel roll!!!!

Ksemanr: Uh…ok? does a barrel roll accomplishing nothing

Peppy: You're mine! starts shooting at Naminé but has horrible aim so Ramza tried to help him What's the big idea Fox?

Ramza: Huh? Who's Fox? gets so confused he crashes his ship into himself

Tōshirō: Naya shoots at Demyx and barely hits him scarping the paint of his ship.

Peppy: (to Naya) You're beginning to become more like your father!

Naya: You knew my father?

Peppy: Do a barrel roll!

Tōshirō: Peppy started to do a barrel roll but Seymour shot him down before he could finish it.

Peppy: Sorry guy I'm gonna have to sit this one out!

Tōshirō: Peppy's ship then spiraled down to the ground and exploded in a fiery explosion of death. However we all know he'll be back because he always comes back. Allllwaaaayss…

Omochao: Press the "shoot bomb" button to shoot a bomb!!

CT: Which ones the "shoot bomb" button?

Naminé: Thanks for the tip!

Ksemanr: What? You were helping them too? Traitor!!!

Tōshirō: The group of villains drew back away from our heroes and fired a smart bomb right into the middle of them hitting nothing. The bomb then exploded and the fringes of the explosion hit their ships causing them to go down. It also gave goaT a headache because he stared straight into the light. Our heroes' Arwings began to spiral down to the ground, red lights flashing and alarms beeping all the way as someone in the background yelled "MY LEG!!!!" the whole time, but due to the gravitational pull of Jonathan's head they ended up crashing past the concert in an area now experiencing a blizzard. As our heroes regrouped they changed into swimsuits to help keep them warm.

Ramza: Where are we?

CTSucks: I don't know, let's ask the map. We have to say map to get him to come out. Can you say map?

Everyone: Map! Map! Map!

The Map: jumps out of Ksemanr's pocket and starts singing ♪ I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map!!!♪

The Random Five:

The Map: To get to the System of a Down concert you must go through the Federal Branch of Plot Hole and Nonsense Prevention, then through the blizzardy tundra, and then you'll be at the concert! Say it with me! PANP, tundra, concert! PANP, tundra, concert! You've got it! hops back into Ksemanr's pocket

(The sounds of someone being tied and beaten are heard.)

Rangiku: (still drunk) I is back!! Our heroes is now go to cold place to get to yayness!!!!!! passes out

**To be continued…**


	7. Hoe Ho Ho Edition Christmas Special

Written by Ksemanr

Characters copyright of their respective owners. 

**Insert Spam Here Hoe Ho Ho Edition**

Director: Cut! Everyone takes a break for Christmas. We'll starting filming again once CT finishes writing his part of the script. The director was a young looking man of Armenian decent, with short dark brown hair, and a goatee and was wearing sunglasses and a red baseball cap. His name was Serj Tankian.

Ksemanr: Holy crap! It's Serj Tankian! Our director is Serj Tankian! Serj Tankian has been directing this fanfic the whole time!

Another man who looked exactly like the director but was wearing glasses walked up to the director.

Director's Assistant Serj: Mr. Director I…

Ksemanr: cutting the director's assistant off What th'?! Two Serj Tankians???

Director's Assistant Serj: completely ignoring Ksemanr …have your coffee.

Director Serj: he takes a sip of the coffee then throws the cup down in a rage I said no milk!!

Director's Assistant Serj: But… it didn't have any milk in it….

Director Serj: I want a new one! And this time once you make it, throw it out for having milk in it and make a new one! With no milk this time!!!

The Director's Assistant Serj stomped off mad, but still went to go get the Director Serj his coffee. The Director Serj then started to look angry.

Director Serj: Where's my pizza?!?! I ordered that pizza hours ago! Where's that pizza?!?

SFX Serj: (a Serj Tankian with a braided goatee and his hair dyed blue) Dude, we don't know where your banana is.

Director Serj: Banana?! BANANA!?!? I ain't talking about no banana! Where's my pizza?!? Where's my pizza and bananas?!?!

SFX Serj: Dude calm down.

Director Serj: Clam down? CALM DOWN?!? I'LL KILL YOU!!!!

SFX Serj: Dude who hired this guy?

Camera Man Serj: (a Serj with long hair) Not me.

Director's Assistant Serj: Not me.

Make-Up Artist Serj: (a Serj with pink hair) Wasn't me either.

SFX Serj: Seriously? Who hired this guy? All he does is yell and eat pizza!

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: (a Serj wearing a Dante's Pizza uniform and eating a pizza that he's holding in his hand) Not me.

Director Serj: Oh there's my pizza. Sorry.

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: still eating the pizza Duuuuuddeeee I'm like so late. I was supposed to be here hours ago. eats another slice Man I'm so late.

Director Serj: What are you doing?

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: What? still eating the pizza

Director Serj: You're eating my pizza!

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: What're you talking about? still shoving pizza into his mouth

Director: Give me my pizza!!

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: Oh yeah! Pizza! Who here ordered a pizza? eats another slice

Director Serj: Me!

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: Dude here's your pizza man. Enjoy. hands Director Serj the pizza box

Director Serj: opens the box What the heck? It's empty!

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: What? No way let me see!! leans over and looks into the empty pizza box How'd that happen?

Director Serj:

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: That'll be $23.00 man.

The Director Serj handed the Pizza Delivery Guy Serj the money and left. Our heroes just stood there utterly confused, except for Jonathan who didn't find anything to be odd.

Jonathan: Aw _man_, I wanted some of that pizza too!

Ramza: Hey wait a minute! Why did the director randomly describe himself?

CTSucks 007: You're sort of late there buddy. That happened a while back now.

Naya: Yeah not to mention he's gone now and can't answer you.

Ramza: Oh…

Ksemanr: Well anyways, come on guys, it's almost Christmas and we haven't done any of our shopping yet.

Jonathan: Onward to the Mobius Mall!

And so, our heroes ventured forth to the Mobius Mall.

Meanwhile, the cast of _Insert Spam Here_ were preparing for a Christmas Eve party back at the studio. Rikku was assisting Marluxia in decorating the studio. Thanks to Marluxia's great sense of style all of the decorations were pink and covered in flowers. Since Lexaeus never did anything besides stand there anyways, Marluxia thought he would make a good Christmas tree and decorated Lexaeus with various ornaments and put the symbol of Organization XIII on top of his head as a star. Lexaeus was wrapped up in garland with pink Christmas lights through out the garland.

Xaldin was in the kitchen cooking the Christmas dinner for the party. The Quiznos Addicted Robot was helping him, even though all he was doing was making Quiznos the whole time. A beautiful young woman with long blue hair and a strange triangle looking symbol on her forehead walked into the kitchen and saw Xaldin cooking. Her name was Ren.

Ren: Ren-chan help!

Xaldin: No, Ren don't!

Ren ignored Xaldin and dropped a strange looking object into the food. A large explosion then shook the studio building and the door to the kitchen opened. Smoke billowed out of the kitchen and Xaldin walked out burnt and smoking and his eyebrows had been singed off. Rangiku, who was once again drunk, started busting out laughing when she saw Xaldin.

Rangiku: Oh my god! You is look funny Dilan!!!

Xaldin: Shut up Matsumoto….

Xaldin stormed out of the room angrily, stabbing one of the PANP scientists one his way out. Mario came in with a dust mop and swept the scientist's body away.

Mario: Why did I-a-have-ta-be-a the janitor?

Rangiku had been drinking with her usual partners, Izuru and Shuhei, but they had two more drinking buddies now, Vexen and Lunk. Izuru was once again naked and was lying on the ground covered by only a small white loincloth.

Lunk: A horse kicked me once….

Izuru: QHFGHGIjergshpooplesRAWR!!!!

Lunk: …it hurt.

Shuhei: OMG! Izuru! You're naked! Again!

Vexen: I might have a giant head, but I'm not a weirdo! No not a weirdo!

Rangiku: I is not a weirdo! Quit saying that!

Rangiku felt someone tap on her shoulder, which surprised her causing her to jump up from her seat. She turned around to see Toshiro standing behind her.

Rangiku: Oh captain, you startled me! They almost fell out!

Toshiro: What almost fell out?

Rangiku: Why, the twins of course. Who else?

Toshiro: I'm sorry I asked.

Izuru: Я-?ŭๆfdhs╫hsDHB!

Toshiro: No Izuru, I do not want a drink.

Lunk: What was I doing?

Toshiro: I'm just going to go help Cademon and Sephiroth set up the lights for the party.

As Toshiro left the drunkards to go lend Cademon and Sephiroth his assistance, a short man with a black cloak walked up to him and opened his cloak.

The Merchant: Welcome stranger, would you like to buy some rare Christmas chain links? Only 1,875,053,256 pesetas.

Toshiro: Those are just poorly made cardboard links that I could make myself for free. And besides, orange and black are Halloween colors not Christmas colors.

The Merchant: Are you sure stranger? They're ultra rare and they're going fast. If you don't get yours now you'll-

All of a sudden the Merchant fell to the ground and died. Leon Kennedy stood there holding his gun.

Leon: That's for not selling any ammo!

Toshiro: Am I the only one who makes sense around here?

Toshiro walked off annoyed by everyone else's stupidity to go do something constructive to actually help the party.

Our heroes had made it to the Mobius Mall to do their shopping. The mall was packed with last minute shoppers who procrastinated their shopping until now, Christmas Eve.

Jonathan: They should have been smart like us and done their Christmas shopping next week when the stores are more crowded.

CT: Man, look at all the people on this list we have to buy gifts for! Why'd the authors have to put so many random minor characters in this fanfic? Now we have to get gifts for them all!

Naya: Hey! Isn't that Amy over there?

Naya pointed to right in front of them where Amy Rose was standing. Everyone else started looking off far in the distance looking for her.

Ramza: Yeah I think that's her.

Ksemanr: No that's just Big the Cat, that's not her.

Ramza: Darn! I can't help it! All these darn hedgehogs look the same!

Jonathan: Is that her?

CT: No that's just Bill Cosby.

Jonathan: Darn! I can't help it! All these darn hedgehogs look the same!

Naya and Amy:

Amy: I'm right here you idiots.

Ksemanr: Hey look it's Shadow! When did you get here?

Amy: …

Lexaeus: jumps through the window of one of the random stores with decorations still hung on him That's my line!!!!

The police officer then handcuffed Lexaeus and escorted him back to the studio to resume being a Christmas tree. Everyone then chained and tied Lexaeus up so that he wouldn't escape again if someone else said "…".

Naya: So Amy, what're you doing here?

Amy: I'm looking for a present to give to my hero Sonic. He's so dreamy!

CT: How can you like that guy? He acts so un-cool and the things he says sound so gay.

Amy: I know.

Naya: Then why do you like him?

Amy: I dunno ask Sonic Team. They're the ones that said I like him.

Jonathan: Hey, we're doing Christmas shopping too!

Amy: Then why don't I help you guys? It'll be a lot faster that way.

Ksemanr: Shadow's right! With his help it won't take as long!

CT: But there are still a lot of people to shop for! I don't think we can get all the gifts in time even with Shadow's help!

Ramza: How are we ever going to get all this stuff in time?

Naya: Yeah, at this rate it'll take at least 2 minutes to find all this stuff!

Ksemanr: If we each take just part of the list and split up we should be able to get the gifts faster.

Jonathan: Great ideas guys! Man I wish_ I_ was dumb like you guys so I could come up with plans too. Hey! I got that from myself when…

Just then the giant spider from chapter 3 fell on top of Jonathan killing him.

Jonathan: Hey! Quit speaking French!

CT: Hey look over there! They have Guitar Hero 3 set up!

Ksemanr: Sweet let's go play it!

And so our heroes were completely distracted from their task of Christmas shopping and stopped to play _Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock_ for the Nintendo Wii. Jonathan kept playing "Through the Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce on expert so that he would lose horribly. Ramza tried to play "Slow Ride" by Foghat on easy and failed 4 through the song. CT was playing "One" by Metallica on medium and was doing good but started trying to do impossible tricks with the guitar controller causing him to mess up and suck. Naya was playing "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones with the guitar behind her head and walking around the store but doing good. Ksemanr was playing "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse but was using a vacuum cleaner that he got from the store across the hall as a guitar and it was somehow working. Amy was trying to play "The Metal" by Tenacious D but was just hitting the controller repeatedly with her Piko Piko Hammer.

Amy: I think I'm starting to get the hang of this game! is still hitting the controller with her hammer

Jonathan: Wow this song is too easy! They need to make it harder! once again fails the song, only 0 through the song

Ramza: Hey! Let me try playing that song!

Ramza, who sucked the most out of all of them, grabbed Jonathan's controller and started playing "Through the Fire and Flames" on expert. When he was done he handed the controller back to Jonathan. Everyone was shocked when they looked at the screen to find Ramza had gotten 100.

CT: Wait a minute; what did we come here to do?

Naya: We came to shop for Christmas presents remember?

CT: Oh yeah!

Jonathan: Don't worry we still have plenty of time! There's still a whole hour before the party starts!

Everyone but Jonathan: WHAT? Only an hour?!? We have to hurry.

And so our heroes each grabbed their part of the list and went their separate way to do their shopping.

Zexion was sitting alone in the corner of the studio with a planning book making plans for the party and making sure everything got taken care of. As he was working, the leader of the Organization, Xemnas, came up and sat down next to him.

Xemnas: You know Zexion, the spirit of Christmas comes from the heart, which is made up of the light of the courage when it mingles with the darkness of one's heart in the nothingness of light and darkness and courage and light and darkness and twilight and darkness and stuff.

Zexion: You know what? I don't care. If you weren't the superior I would kill you right now.

Xemnas: How can you kill me? For I am a nobody, and thus I am nothing and don't truly exist and you can't kill something that doesn't exist in the first place because I am nothing because I lost my heart when I fell into the darkness and the light of the courage of the heart was consumed by the darkness and became nothingness with the light and the darkness and the hearts of light and darkness and courage and stuff.

Zexion: Please, just shut up.

Just then Xaldin ran past Zexion and Xemnas, being chased by Marluxia. Marluxia jumped towards Xaldin and hug-tackled him to the ground and was now on top of him.

Xaldin: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Marluxia: But I can make you pretty again!!

Xaldin: NOOOO!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

Marluxia held Xaldin down and he proceeded to draw Xaldin's eyebrows back on, and she did it quite poorly in pink marker. He then got up off of Xaldin and she skipped away singing "I'm a Barbie girl". Xaldin stood up and had crooked pink markings where his eyebrows once were. Marluxia had also put several pink flowers in Xaldin's hair and put lipstick on him.

Xaldin: DARN IT MARLY! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!!

Xaldin ran away chasing after Marluxia, who was skipping and throwing pink flower petals everywhere as he/she ran. Suddenly another large explosion was head from the kitchen and the door fell off its hinges. Cademon quickly ran into the kitchen to see what had happened this time. When he got in there he found Ren, just standing there looking innocent and a rice cooker that had been blown to pieces.

Cademon: What happened?

Ren: Ren-chan make rice!

Cademon: Then what caused the explosion?

Ren: Ren-chan don't know. Ren-chan just add gasoline for flavor then it went boom for no reason.

The Unknown Organization member snuck into the kitchen during the confusion dropped a dead squirrel into the fruit punch, hoping that someone would end up drinking it during the party. He then snuck back out and acted suspiciously like he had just done something horrible and didn't want anyone to know about it.

Xigbar: Hey Unknown, what's up dude!

Unknown: What? No I haven't seen any dead squirrels anywhere. I have no clue what you're talking about! WHY DON'T YOU PEOPLE JUST BELIEVE I'M INNOCENT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!?!?!

Xigbar: What are you talking about dude? I never called you Pickle.

Xigbar gave Unknown a weird look then walked away when Yachiru, a small girl with pink hair riding on the back of Kenpachi Zaraki, a large yet skinny man with an eye patch and spiked hair, spotted him.

Yachiru: Look Kenny! That guy with the ponytail and the eye patch is trying to steal your style!

Kenpachi: You right Yachiru. Maybe he's also using the eye patch to seal his power like me. He's got to be strong!

Kenpachi walked over to Xigbar, towering over him. A large grin appeared on his face as he drew his sword.

Kenpachi: You thought you could just walk around and steal my look? You sure got guts little man. Prepare to fight me!

Kenpachi swung his sword down at Xigbar, but the nobody was able to teleport out of the way in time. The ground where Kenpachi had struck was now broken into pieces from the force of his swing. Xigbar's ray guns appeared in his hands as he shot at Kenpachi. The beam just bounced harmlessly off of Zaraki's chest. Xigbar started to run away from the man in fright, and Kenny chased after him recklessly swinging his sword everywhere. The PANP scientist that Xaldin had stabbed had just returned from the hospital, but as soon as he walked through the door Kenpachi's sword hit him cutting him down. Mario came back out with the dust mop and once again swept the body away.

Mario: I really hate-a-this-a-job.

Our heroes had decided to meet back up at the fountain in the middle of the mall when they were all done with their part of the shopping. Jonathan was walking casually down an isle in one of the stores of the mall. Jonathan's idea of "walking casually" though was doing the moonwalk. As he was moonwalking down the isle, he tripped over someone and was flung down the isle for obvious reason. He looked up to see who he had tripped on. It was a tired looking young man, with long, messy black hair. He was wearing an employee's uniform and his nametag read "Eraldo Coil". Jonathan reappeared next to Eraldo Coil and handed him a card.

Jonathan: Here have my calling card. Call if you ever need me!

The man looked at the card that Jonathan had handed to him. It read "J0hnz4dan37373737" in really bad handwriting written in purple crayon.

Coil: This card is disreputable.

Jonathan snatched the calling card out of Eraldo's hand and proceeded to eat it.

Coil:

Jonathan: Hey that washing machine of yours is hott! Mind if I take it out to the movies some time?

Coil: …

Amy was walking through the mall when she saw a _My Little Pony_ collector's set in the window of one of the stores. She ran over to the window and stared at it with her face pressed up against the glass.

Amy: Sonic's been talking for weeks about how much he wants this. It's the perfect gift for him! Aw man, but I don't have enough munny. This _sucks_.

???: If you want it, just take it.

Amy: Huh?

Amy turned around to see who the voice was coming from. It had been Rouge the Bat who had spoken to her.

Amy: But wouldn't that be stealing?

Rouge: Yeah so what if it is?

Amy: Isn't that illegal.

Rouge: Only if you get caught. Just grab it and hide it in your dress, no one will notice. Trust me on this.

Amy: (thinking to herself) _I really want to get Sonic that present. And maybe if I give it to him he'll finally love me!_

Rouge: So, you going to do it or are you too chicken?

Amy: I'll do it! Thanks Rouge!

Rouge: No problem Shadow.

Amy: I'm not Shadow!

Rouge was already gone by then, having no need to stick around. Amy entered the store and walked to wear the _My Little Pony_ set was displayed. Amy looked around the store to see the police officer standing there watching out for thieves. _No chickening out now. _She thought to herself. _This is for my Sonic!_ The police officer saw Amy and smiled at her.

Police Officer: Hey! Aren't you that Shadow guy? Can I have your autograph?

Amy: I'm not Shadow! I'm Amy!

Police Officer: I really like you in Sonic Adventure 2! I'm your biggest fan Shadow! I find it weird no one could tell you apart from Sonic though. What are they color blind or something?

Amy: I'M NOT SHADOW!

Police Officer: Hey! Will you do that Chaos Control thing for me?

Amy: I'm not Sha- aw forget it. Here's your stupid autograph.

Amy grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and signed "Amy Rose". The police officer looked at it and squealed with joy like a little school girl.

Police Officer: Yay! I got Shadow's autograph! I can't wait to tell my wife!

The police officer ran out of the store jumping for joy like the idiot he is. Amy turned back to the set of little pony toys and decided she would steal them. She quickly grabbed the box and shoved it under her dress and ran out of the store as fast as she could. She ran down to the end of the hall and stopped. She turned around to see that no one had seen her and no one was coming after her.

Amy: That was easier than I thought it would be.

Amy continued through out the mall to go forth and shoplift the rest of the gifts on her section of the list.

CTSucks 007 walked into the mall's branch of Wal-Mart when a cat walked in front of him. CT went to pet the cat, but when he did it bit him. The cat then ran away further into the store. CT chased after it, and when he reached it he tried petting it again. The cat once again bit him and ran away. CT continued chasing the cat and trying to pet it and it kept biting him and running away. This went on for a while until CT had finally cornered the cat at a dead end. When CT reached out to pet the cat this time, suddenly a wave of cats jumped out of nowhere and bombarded CT. After the wave of cats had piled onto CT, all that could be seen of him was his arm reaching out twitching, but no one was around to help.

Meanwhile outside the studio; Espio, Seymour, Naminé, Demyx, goaT, and José were having a snowball fight against Saïx, Axel, Luxord, Larxene, and Roxas.

Axel: No fair! It's 6 against 5! They have one more person than us!

Seymour: That's your fault for not recruiting another person! Hahaha!

José: They paid me 1 American dollar to do this yob!

Roxas: Well I-

Larxene: interrupting Roxas Shut up Roxas! No one likes you! Just hit them for once when you throw a snowball!

Roxas threw a snowball at goaT but missed completely, hitting himself in the face with it. Larxene used her light speed to get behind Demyx and throw a snowball at him. Demyx quickly started playing his sitar, controlling the water creating a wall of water that then froze creating an ice shield that protected him from the snowball. Seymour threw a snowball at Axel but Axel used his power of fire to melt the snowball before it reached him, but was then hit in the back of the head by a snowball thrown by José, who had been paid an extra 3 dollars to ensure he got one in. Saïx threw a snowball at Espio but Espio dodged it and then turned invisible, vanishing. Luxord summoned his cards and surrounded himself with them.

Luxord: Ha! No one can hit me when I'm protected by my cards!

As he said this, a couple of the cards were cut in half and Luxord was hit in the face by a shuriken shaped snowball. Espio reappeared behind him wielding three more snow-shrunken. He jumped into the air and threw them at Roxas, Larxene and Saïx. Roxas was hit directly by it and was knocked over. Larxene disappeared from sight and was now right in front of Espio. She kicked him in between the legs and he flew backwards and landed, in pain. Saïx pulled out his claymore and sliced the shuriken in half before it hit him. Roxas grabbed a couple more snowballs and rushed towards his opponents in another attempt to hit them. Before he got a chance to throw them, Naminé wiped his memory and he forgot what he was doing and dropped the snowballs. He then sat down in the middle of the battlefield and started playing Mario Kart on his Nintendo DS.

Just then Dr. Rockzo slid down a pile of snow using a couple of giant straws as skis. As he stopped, he ran straight into Roxas, knocking him out.

Dr. Rockzo: I'm Dr. Rockzo, the Rock 'N' Roll Clown! I do cocaine! Bip-bip-bip-Yeah! And that ain't snow I was skiing on!

Demyx: Then what is it?

Dr. Rockzo: Uh…sugar? Dr. Rockzo's nose starts to bleed

Naminé: Your nose is bleeding.

Dr. Rockzo: What's that? My nose is bleeding? I fell dooooowwn.

Saïx: Riiiiiiiiiight.

goaT then threw a snowball which hit Saïx in the face.

goaT: LOL X marks the spot!

Saïx was enraged by goaT's comment and went into berserk mode. He went insane and started swinging his claymore around wildly, sending snow flying everywhere. Dr. Rockzo ran inside so as not to get caught up in their snowball fight.

Dr. Rockzo: Hey guys, guess who's here with a brand new Dr. Rockzo Christmas music video! Dr. Rockzo that's who! Bip-bip-bip-Yeah!

Sephiroth: Not this guy again…

Naya was walking through the outdoor goods section of the mall when she ran across Kairi sleeping in one of the tents. When Naya saw her, an idea popped into her head. Naya quickly ran to a cooking utensils store and went to grab a pan. She accidentally grabbed a butcher knife instead. Not realizing her mistake Naya ran back to the tent where Kairi was sleeping. When she got there, Kairi was already drozily awake. She turned over and saw the figure of a woman holding something shiny in the doorway. She squinted trying to see what the object in the woman's hand was. Her eyes immediately widened when she realized it was in fact a butcher knife.

Naya slowly began to step towards Kairi. Kairi, not knowing what to do just sat quaking in fear. When Naya reached Kairi, Kairi began to babble incoherently and Naya looked Kairi straight in the eyes.

Naya: Oh, you're already awake. I guess I failed. Oh well.

Naya slumped off away from then tent. After she was gone, Kairi let out a shrill scream and fainted.

As Ramza was walking through the mall, he spotted a _Dance Dance Revolution_ game set up. Ramza set the gifts he had gotten down and turned the game on. Just then a young man wearing a black outfit with a heartless symbol on the chest and a weird white skirt walked up to him.

Riku Replica: I challenge you to a dance off!

Ramza: You're on! You can't win you don't have my groovy moves!

Ramza started to dance like Michael Jackson. He started by doing the moonwalk then he grabbed his crotch and screamed "Ow!" in a high pitched voice. Ramza spun around then stopped and pointed his left hand straight into the air with his right hand on his hip, while tilting his hat which he was now wearing down. He then performed the dance to "Thriller". Ramza then stopped and stretched his arms and legs out then he grabbed his crotch again and pointed into the air with his other hand. He then started to walk forward, raising his arms up and down as he walked. He then finished off by tilting his hat down and spinning in a circle.

Riku Replica: Ha! Watch this!

Riku Replica then did the Riku Replica Dance. This dance was so amazingly amazing it could not possibly be described in words. What he did was he bent his elbows and put one arm in front of him, and the other behind him. He then moved his arms back and forth. He then started to randomly do squats and saying things like "Yeah" and "Alright". He did this to the Goofy Goober tune from the SpongeBob SquarePants movie.

Ramza: Dude! That was awesome! Come on man let's go! I know a great place we can go to party!

Ramza grabbed the gifts and then he and Riku Replica left the store together.

Ksemanr was at the top floor of the mall. He came across a section of the mall with a large opening where he could look over railing down to the first floor and see the walkways of the other floors in between also. Ksemanr was wearing a parachute, so he jumped down to the first floor. After landing he pulled the string to activate the parachute. At the bottom he met with Bugs Bunny and a kid named Skyler.

Bugs Bunny: Eh, what's up doc? pulls out a carrot and takes a bite

Ksemanr: Your wife.

Skyler: Your wife is pregnant!

The Ghost of Jonathan37373737: Oooooooooooooo!

Ksemanr: Your wife's uncle's brother's wife's roommate's handkerchief's dog's sister was Captain Crunch.

The Ghost of Jonathan37373737: OoooooooooooooooooooOOOOooo!

Skyler: You're so stupid you don't know how to divide 666 into a goat on a boat!

The Ghost of Jonathan37373737: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Ksemanr: You're so stupid you can't even pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel!

The Ghost of Jonathan37373737: OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOO OOoooooOOOOooo!!!!

Skyler: You're so stupid you don't even know how many Statues of Liberty there are!

Ksemanr: Of course I do! There's one!

Skyler: Wrong! There's three!

Ksemanr: Dude, what are you on?

Skyler: It was on channel 153! They were talking about it on there!

Ksemanr: No, I mean what are you _on_?

Skyler: 153!

Ksemanr: Is that a new one?

Skyler: What? I was on 153! That's Nickelodeon!

Ksemanr: Is that what they're calling it on the streets now?

Skyler: Huh? Calling what?

Ksemanr: 153!

Skyler: is really confused

Ksemanr: Look I asked you what kind of drug you were on and you- aw you know what? Forget it you won't get it.

Ksemanr then left Bugs Bunny and Skyler and headed back to meet the others. Ksemanr arrived at the fountain to find everyone but Amy already there waiting, with their portion of the presents. Riku Replica was also there with them. CT was covered in cat scratches, but no one else seemed to notice. Amy then ran up to the fountain. He dress was bulging from all the stuff she had stolen and she looked like a weird, lumpy, deformed, fat, pink hedgehog.

Ksemanr: Hey Shadow! You look sorta different somehow. Did you get a hair cut?

Amy:

Naya: Let's go guys. We need to get back to the studio.

As our heroes started to walk towards the exit to the mall, they saw a large, red button on the wall. The button wasn't labeled or anything.

Ksemanr: I want to press it…

Naya: Me too…

Ramza: Must…press…button…

Amy: Button….press…

CT: Shiny….

Jonathan: I want to press it…

Ksemanr: I want to press the button so much, but something bad always happens when you press the big tempting button.

CT: Yeah we shouldn't press it.

Naya: Yeah let's go.

And so our heroes overcame their powerful urge to press the big, red button on the wall and continued towards the exit. After our heroes had made it safely away from the button Big the Cat walked up to it.

Big: Froggy?

Big the Cat pressed the button, and when he did confetti started raining down around him. Bill Cosby then jumped out of nowhere.

Bill Cosby: Congratulations!!! You are our lucky winner! You win 1 million munny and this brand new car!!!!

The section of the wall that the big, red button was on rose to reveal a brand new, 2056 Volkswagen AG Jetta convertible with built in internet connection and cable TVs for every seat.

Big: Froggy?

Big walked up to the car and tried to get in it, but was too big too fit in the car. He ended up ripping the door off, and then when he still couldn't fit he just sat on top of it, crushing the car with his own weight. Big, being extremely big and fat got hungry from all this work and ate the munny thinking it was food. Big the Cat then got bombarded by question marks caused by his own confusion, which caused Big to become even more confused. Big continued to sit there in his confusion, until he was eventually towed out of the building, along with his now flatted car.

As our heroes continued along, they passed by Santa Clause, who was in a chair allowing little kids to sit on his lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas.

Jonathan: It's Santa!

Jonathan ran over to Santa Clause and violently threw the kid who was on his lap at the time off of Santa's lap. The kid flew threw the air and into a pet store. The kid fell into the cage of a boa constrictor and so the kid screamed for help, but everyone just continued doing what they were doing happily ignoring his pleas for help. Jonathan excitedly jumped onto Santa's lap.

Santa: Tell me young man, what do you want for Christmas?

Jonathan: I want your wife!

Santa: What was that?

Jonathan: I said I want your wife!

Santa: Now why would you want her for?

Jonathan: Cause I heard that's she really good and knows more positions than even Ronald McDonald!

Santa: That's it young man, you're going on my naughty list!

The once jolly man was now angered by Jonathan's rude comments about his wife and got up from his seat. He ripped off his red coat to reveal a multitude of weapons and ammo. Clause summoned the Nine Reindeer of the Apocalypse. Nine reindeer appeared before Santa; the Winged White Reindeer Pestilence, the Fiery Red Reindeer War, the Black Reindeer Famine, the Pale Green Reindeer Death, the Gay Blue Reindeer The French, the Gray Reindeer Annoyance, the Pink Reindeer Fluffy, the Orange Reindeer Nippleation, and the Brown Reindeer Diarrhea with his very runny poopy nose. Standing in the middle of the reindeer of the apocalypse was a Dusk nobody.

Jonathan: referring to the Dusk She's hott! Which Reindeer of the Apocalypse is she?

Santa: stares at the Dusk Uh…that's not one of them…

Suddenly all nine of the reindeer from hell took off flying, one in particular, being The French, flying head first into everything. War flew higher into the air and used his powers to cause war to break loose. Since everyone was already fighting, this had no affect and nothing changed. Fluffy used its powers of cuteness to try to hypnotize its opponents, but just caused several girls to swarm around it trying to pet it and saying "Aaawww look how cute it is!" Nippleation used her powers to bring extreme nippleation to everyone. All this accomplished however, was making everyone rub their nipples once. Death started to glow and bring forth death, but he accidentally killed The French instead of our heroes. Diarrhea shot his diarrhea causing snot at our heroes, hitting CT.

CT: Aw _man_! Not again!

CT rushed off to the bathroom to take care of his diarrhea problem. Annoyance used its powers to annoy our heroes. Amy was annoyed the most and she pulled out her Piko Piko Hammer. She charged forward at the nearest reindeer, who happened to be Famine, which was for some odd reason really fat. She hit Famine with her hammer, sending him rolling. He rolled over top of the other reindeer killing them, except for Pestilence who was smart enough to fly over him. Pestilence spread his wings bringing forth disease upon everyone, giving them the common cold. They all walked into the nearest restaurant selling chicken noodle soup and bought some. After eating the soup they were all cured instantly. Famine came to a stop and then died of a heart attack from being so over weight. Big the Cat walked up to Famine's dead body and sat next to it.

Big: Froggy?

As Pestilence was about to give our heroes the Black Plague, they pulled out a bag of horse feed and snuck a medicine pill into it. Pestilence, being extremely hungry from not having eaten in so long, flew down to it and ate it. The medicine cured Pestilence of his diseases, killing him instantly.

Santa: Aw man, I knew I shouldn't have let Famine eat all of the other reindeer's food. They were all weakened from not having eaten in so long! I guess I'll have to do this myself.

Riku Replica started to zone out and just stared straight forward not noticing anything happening around him. Santa reached for the hilt of one of the swords strapped to his back. He pulled it out of its sheath, but it was just a balloon on a string attached to the hilt. Clause swung the balloon forward at our heroes, but the strike was completely useless because the balloon just stayed in the air. Santa pulled out a NERF dart gun and started to shoot at our heroes but missed horribly, hitting Big the Cat in the head, knocking him over. Jonathan ran up to Santa and started to correct him on how he was shooting the gun.

Jonathan: Have some composure. Where is your posture? Oh, no, no. You're pulling the trigger all wrong.

After Jonathan demonstrated to Santa how to properly shoot the gun, Santa sent another shot towards our heroes. CT reentered the room from his bathroom break when he was hit by the NERF dart, the plunger part stuck to his forehead. Riku Replica, still zoned out, started to slowly do the Riku Replica Dance. This was somehow inflicting damage on Santa.

Santa: What the [implied? He's using cheat codes!

Riku Replica continued dancing in his state of not fully being there, not hearing Santa's comment. Ramza drew his katana from its sheath, and charged at the once jolly spirit of Christmas. The fat saint quickly countered Ramza's blade with a toy lightsaber. Santa knocked Ramza back, then quickly turned around and kicked Naya, who was trying to sneak attack him from behind. Ksemanr pulled out a pop-up book and threw it at Santa. Santa put on a pair of Amazing Johnny Cage sunglasses, which were actually just regular sunglasses with a jacked up price. After putting the sunglasses on he leaned backwards in slow motion, dodging the pop-up book. CT used his power to combine water from a nearby fountain and electricity from the lights to create a blast of electrified water and shot it at Santa. Santa put on a pair of water wings, which protected him from the attack. Amy jumped up and brought her hammer down at Santa Clause. The man used a small toy hammer from a Bob the Builder toy set to counter Amy's attack, and send her flying back. Jonathan pulled out an Omochao and threw it at Santa. Amy landed on top of Jonathan, knocking them both down. Santa used the toy hammer to deflect the Omochao. Omochao fell down to the ground and turned red and started smoking.

Suddenly a fishing lure on a line fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the battle. Everyone stopped fighting and stared at the fishing lure. Unbeknownst to our heroes, Link was sitting on the walkway to one of the above floors with his fishing rod and had cast the lure down there. After a few minutes of everyone just staring at the lure, they resumed their battle. The Dusk started to do the Riku Replica Dance. Santa pulled out a gun made out of LEGOS and started shooting Barbie dolls at our heroes with it. Our heroes were assaulted by hordes of Barbie dolls, pushing them back against the wall. Santa prepared to fire another wave of dolls at our heroes when the LEGO gun suddenly blew up into pieces. Santa turned around to see KISS standing there behind him.

Gene Simmons: We can't allow you to ruin Christmas Santa! We challenge you to a rock off!

Santa: Aw crap! The demon code prevents me from denying a rock off challenge! What are your terms? What's the catch?

Gene Simmons: If we win, you have to promise to ignore these guys and resume your duties as Santa! And also you must let me ride in you're sleigh!

Santa: And what if I win?

Gene Simmons: Then you can take Paul back to the North Pole, to be your little elf.

Paul Stanley: What?

Gene Simmons: Trust me Paul, it's the only way!

Santa: Fine! Let the rock off begin!

Santa pulled out a _Guitar Hero_ controller and started playing extremely well. He then pulled out a pair of _Donkey Konga_ congas and started to drum really well on them. He then started to sing.

Santa: I'm Santa I can do what I want. The toys I got you're gonna flaunt. There's never been a rock off that I've ever lost! I can't wait to take Paul back to the Pole. I'm gonna fill him with my cookies and milk. His gifts will make the kids squeal like a little girl.

Gene Simmons: Noooo!! Come on Paul, bring the thunder!

Paul Stanley: There's just no way that we can win that was a masterpiece! He rocks too hard because he's such a jolly man!

Gene Simmons: For Christmas sake Paul, he's gonna make you his elf slave, you're gonna spend your life making toys, unless we bust a massive monster mamojam!

Paul Stanley: Dude, we've been through so much crap.

Gene Simmons: Shot down star fighters with my tongue!

Gene and Paul: Now it's time to blow this fat man down!

Gene Simmons: C'mon Paul now it's time to blow doors down!

Paul Stanley: I hear you Simmons now it's time to blow doors down!

Gene Simmons: Light up the stage cause its time for a showdown!

Paul Stanley: We'll call a taxi and we'll take you to China Town!

Gene and Paul: Now we've got to blow this fat man down!

Paul Stanley: He's gonna eat me if we do not blow doors down!

Gene Simmons: C'mon Paul cause it's time to blow doors down!

Paul Stanley: Ooooooh… We'll pile-drive ya! It's time for the smack down!

Gene Simmons: Hey Saint Nick, Santa Clause, we know your weakness, the rock off! We rock this mall, with rock bottom prices! We will defeat you, for Christmas time! You hold the sleigh, we hold the reins. You are Santa. We are KISS!

Santa Clause dropped his _Guitar Hero _controller and fell down to his knees in slow motion, defeated.

Everyone Else: Dude, what's with the drama? Why'd you have to do it in slow motion?

Everyone but Santa and KISS: Yay! KISS saved Christmas!!!!

Gene Simmons: I hope you all learned a valuable lesson here.

Jonathan: Yeah! Never eat raspberries!

Gene Simmons did his signature of sticking his tongue out, but it kept stretching and rolled off screen and rolled out further than they could see.

Gene Simmons: Ouch! rolls his tongue back into his mouth

Ksemanr: What's wrong?

Gene Simmons: Someone stepped on my tongue!

And so, the Random 5 grabbed the presents and left the mall back to the studio, followed by Amy, Riku Replica, the Dusk and KISS.

Back at the studio, all the food was gone because Ren had blown it all up. They sent Mickey Mouse to the Finntroll grocery store to get some pre-made food for the party. Aside from the dinner, everything was set and ready for the party. Mickey opened the door and walked back in, not carrying anything with him.

Xaldin: Uh, Mickey, where's the food?

Mickey: Oh noes! I forgots all the foods at the foods place! It's alls back at the foods library!

Xaldin: Just great! What're we supposed to do for food?

Cademon: Just order some pizza from Dante's Pizza.

Al Gore: Look outside! The Random 5 are finally here!

Zexion: About time. Now we can finally get the party started.

Xaldin: Ok guys, I ordered the pizza. They said it'll be here in 30 minutes or less or the pizzas will cost more.

Our heroes were finally approaching the studio, with the gifts in tow. As they were walking up to the door, Jonathan got hit in the face with a snowball thrown by Espio, which knocked him into the lava that wasn't there. Ramza opened the door, and as he did one of Xaldin's spears flew at him and pierced his chest. Ramza just stood there staring at the spear in his chest for a few minutes.

Ramza: Well, would you look at that.

Ramza removed the spear and just walked into the building like nothing happened. Our heroes; followed by KISS, Amy, Riku Replica, the Dusk, and everyone outside having the snowball fight, entered the building and set the gifts down underneath the Lexaeus. The decorations to the party were pink and flowery and the whole place looked really girly and pink. The main lights were off and there were special lights set up making everything look as though it was set on fire. There was a long table set up with the bowl of fruit punch and a lot of empty space for the pizzas when they got there. Next to the fruit punch was Dr Pepper in large quantities. The entire cast of Insert Spam Here was there at the party, including characters who only had minor parts and those who haven't even appeared in the story yet. Dethklok was also there to play live music for the party.

Nathan Explosion: We're here to make Christmas metal! We will make everything metal! Blacker than the blackest black times infinity!

Dethklok started playing "Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle". Ramza and Riku Replica immediately ran out to the dance floor and started another dance off to the heavy metal music. The caveman knocked the punch bowl off the table, causing it to break all over the ground. The caveman from the Geico commercials just stood there and crossed his arms and shook his head.

Unknown: Noooooo! Now my plan to take over the world by making someone choke on a dead squirrel is ruined! Now I'll never get their keyblades…

Mario came back out into the room with a dust mop to clan up the mess from the punch.

Mario: Not again-a…

Just then the doorbell rang. Cademon answered the door to find Pizza Delivery Guy Serj standing there with their pizzas, twenty minutes early.

Pizza Delivery Guy Serj: Dude, I'm like sooo late. Here's your pizzas dude. That'll be $23 man.

Cademon gave Pizza Delivery Guy Serj the money, and then Pizza Delivery Guy Serj invited himself in. Cademon set the pizzas down on the table for everyone to eat. Amy looked over to see Sonic the Hedgehog at the party. She grabbed her gift for him and ran over to him.

Amy: Here you go Sonic! I got this just for you!

Sonic opened the gift and saw the _My Little Pony_ collector's set.

Sonic: Wow! This is just what I wanted! Thanks Shadow!

Sonic then ran off, ignoring Amy completely.

Amy: Aw man, I guess I'll never get Sonic to love me.

Amy started to walk away in a slump when Ksemanr approached her with a gift for her.

Ksemanr: Here! I got this for you!

Amy cheered up a little and took the gift from Ksemanr. She opened it up and pulled out the gift to see a pair of Air Shoes, and she looked upset again.

Ksemanr: You like them Shadow? I noticed back at the mall your Air Shoes didn't seem to be working so I got you a new pair!

Amy walked away depressed. Ren was now over at the pizzas telling everyone that she was the one who cooked them.

Ren: Ren-chan did good right?

Xaldin spotted Ren and got upset over her claims. He marched over to her, enraged.

Xaldin: I've had just about enough of you thinking you can cook! I'm the only cook around here, and I'm going to prove it! I challenge you to a cook off!

Xaldin and Ren had to cook curry and rice. Sonic had been chosen as the judge, because everyone confused him for Big the Cat and knew a fat man would know what tastes good. Xaldin was using high quality red rice, and was skillfully chopping up beef and professionally cooking the rice and the curry. After he had cooked everything he masterfully mixed all the ingredients together perfectly. Meanwhile, Ren was using cheap brown rice and was throwing all kinds of strange, unidentifiable objects into her bowl. Ren then poured a large amount of dish soap into the bowl and heated it all up with the microwave in a metal bowl. The microwave exploded and she took out the result and smiled happily.

The two finished dishes were set down on the table in front of Sonic. Xaldin's look delicious and perfectly done, while Ren's looked like a horribly disfigured and deformed bowl of who knows what that looking at made you want to vomit. Sonic first tasted Xaldin's dish.

Sonic: Wow this is amazing! I've never tasted anything this good!

Sonic then tasted Ren's dish. Immediately after it entered his mouth, Sonic passed out and fell to the ground.

Xaldin: Wow! Her cooking was so good it made him faint! I am no match for her. I have been defeated.

Xaldin dropped his spears and fell down to his knees in slow motion, defeated.

Axel: Ok... turns to the readers God bless us, everyone!

Yachiru: head butts Axel in the face Stop copying Little Timmy! turns to the readers Thanks for reading everyone! Merry Christmas!

**The End.**


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